Emotionally Abusive Relationships- Repost

It may be hard to believe, but both men and women can be in emotionally abusive relationships.  Why is that people stay in a relationship with an abusive person?  It is more complicated than you think.

First, most people don’t start out being emotionally abusive in a relationship, and it is hard to pinpoint the exact moment when the relationship started to become unhealthy.  Unfortunately after awhile it all becomes a big blur of fighting, screaming, name calling, sometimes even suicidal threats that then lead to a pattern of apologies and make up sex.

Usually when I hear about these type of relationships the abuse starts out very subtle.  Over the first few weeks your new boyfriend or girlfriend may appear charming, laid back and fun to be around.  You start to develop feelings for them.  Then one night they surprise you when they raise their voice over some small issue about not texting them back right away.  At this point you write it off as them having a bad day or being stressed over other things.  Soon you realize they are irritable more often than not.  They yell over little things and start to call you names in angry moments.  A warning bell goes off in your head, but they always seem so apologetic afterwards.  Plus, you realize you’ve already developed feelings so it seems easier to forgive and forget in those first few months.  Another excuse I hear a lot in the beginning of a relationship is that it only happens when they are drinking.  You tend to let it go because the next morning they are back to their normal self and don’t even remember they said something rude.

However, in time each fight makes the emotional abuse become worse and worse.  With each honeymoon period that follows, they tell you things will be different this time around.  You believe them because you think your love can conquer anything.  What is hard for people from the outside to understand is after being told you are stupid, ugly, and any other disrespectful word you can think of, instead of sticking up for yourself you start to doubt your own judgment.  The abuser has started to convince you that no one else would ever want to be with you.  They  can even convince you that you’re lucky to just be in their presence.  Many people who have been emotionally beaten down will do anything they possibly can to prove to their partner they are worthy of their love.   I know this sounds crazy, but emotional abuse does a number on a person’s self-esteem.  This is why some people use it because then it is easier to control the other person.

Some people have given their last dime to their abusive partner to make them happy.  They stop talking to people because their partner tells them to.  They will skip class to run an errand for them.  However, no matter what they do, it never seems to be enough.  They usually still make you feel like you are always too fat, too stupid, too needy, too slutty, too something.

Friends and family who are legitimately concerned about the person being emotionally abused may start to apply pressure to break up with the abuser.  This may sound logical and smart to someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship, but to those who are in it, the abuser still seems 50 feet tall and they still feel like they’re 6 inches.  They may logically agree with their friends and family, however they have become used to this dynamic and again don’t trust their own judgment.  The thought of breaking up can seem overwhelming like they are trying to conquer a giant.  They may not be ready to leave even though that solution seems obvious to others.

Being ready to leave is different than knowing you need to leave.  Leaving a relationship is a process.  If you’ve been controlled by someone for a long time it can seem impossible to actually think for yourself and even believe in yourself.  You may consider leaving for a long time before actually being able to go through with it.  Eventually, the relationship becomes so painful that you may finally have the guts to let go.  Most people have to leave a relationship on their own terms and in their own time.  It can be hard for friends and family to realize this.  I also want people to realize this type of abuse has long term affects.  Even after this person leaves the relationship, they still have a long way to go to recover their self-confidence.

After finally leaving an emotionally abusive relationship it can take months, sometimes years to feel yourself again.  An abusive person will strip away a lot of your strength and confidence.  Because you loved the person so much you do start to believe the way they do.  If you have actually adopted the belief that you are worthless piece of crap, realize that belief won’t change overnight.  Your relationship lasted months or years.  That is about how long you’ve been hearing these horrible things about yourself.  To turn that around is going to take about the same amount of time.  You may feel better sooner than later, but to fully recover your self-esteem will take some time.

I encourage students not to give up.  If you’ve been through this type of situation hopefully it has made you smarter and stronger.  You aren’t doomed to repeat the pattern.  Learn from the mistakes and next time you will recognize the red flags.  Talk about it with others.  The quickest way to reduce shame is to accept what happened and use it to help others.  It will help you to heal which keeps your abuser from stealing happiness from your future.  They took enough from your past, don’t let them take any more from you now.  So many people have been where you’ve been and are in healthy relationships today.  You’ll get there too, just give yourself some time.

Hello, Anger

The blog Simply Solo: Single Girl Starting Over has been on my blogroll for over a year.  Catherine writes about her life starting over after she cancels her wedding to her fiancé.  This post was written over a year ago, but I when I read it, I knew I wanted to share it here.  A break up causes people to feel a lot of emotions.  Anger would be one of them.  We all would like to think we are mature and get through things without being overly emotional.  However, I’ve been counseling people long enough to know that nothing brings out your emotions more than conflict in a relationship or a loss of a relationship.  Please read below her honest moment of anger after her break up.

I’ve felt so proud of myself this whole time, smug really. I’ve never really gotten angry at my ex. Even after all the lies and the complete disrespect he showed for what we had and our pending nuptials, I didn’t get angry with him. There were moments here and there when I lashed out, maybe threw my engagement ring or memorabilia box at him, but there was never a time where I felt disgust or hate for him. I always felt sorry for him. Why? Well, because he lost me. (Duh – Obviously.) I always thought I was the bigger person, wishing him well, trying to forgive. I was unwilling to hold serious ill will for the man who I almost married, even though he had ripped my heart into a million little pieces.

We’ve all heard about the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. According to Wikipedia, “It’s important to note that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Not everyone who experiences a life-changing event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in the order that is written.”

I definitely went through denial, where for weeks after we cancelled the wedding, my ex fiancé and I pretty much acted as though we were still a couple and that nothing had happened, well except for the fact there were moving boxes everywhere and we were sleeping in different rooms. I went through the depression several times this year as well. And I’ve always been bargaining with myself, telling myself that if I find someone better, then this will all be worth it. If something good comes out of this breakup, like the blog or a writing career, then I will be happy. I guess I’d always thought I had glossed over the anger stage. Maybe I didn’t get angry, I thought, because I was the bigger person. (Now you know what I mean when I said I was smug?)

I believed that I had finally reached the Holy Grail: acceptance.

Somehow, this picture is exactly how I feel. Photo courtesy of psycholabs

Well ladies and gentlemen, I’m here. A year and two months later, I’m angry. Correction: I’m pissed. I’m aware it’s a little late. It’s not like you can yell and scream at someone who broke your heart more than a year ago.

Maybe now is a good time to tell you the runner-up for the title of this blog post, which is:

I Knew You Would Move On … But Did It Have To Be With Her?

I saw my ex a few weeks ago. When I saw him, he mentioned that he was seeing someone off and on, a few times a month. At first, this didn’t bother me at all. I had moved on too – hell, I was blogging about it.

You could say I was feeling all healed and warm with acceptance. Sure, a few thoughts of, “I wonder if she’s prettier than me?” and “Is he happier with her than me?” crossed my mind. The minute I started to picture him and this unnamed woman together, frolicking in the meadow, in love, her wearing my engagement ring, I had to completely shut the whole thing out of my mind. But these feelings are normal, right?

So, I did what any unhealed person who thinks they are healed does – I went on his Facebook page to see if I could tell who he was dating. I know, mature. I’ve never claimed to be perfectly balanced.

And there it was, staring me right in the face. His high school sweetheart, let’s call her Christina, or Tina for short, had posted a love song on his page. Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum. Gag me.

Some history is in order. Tina and my ex fiancé dated while they were in high school. It was some epic love story where her parents broke them up because they wanted her to marry a preacher. Tina and my ex fiancé break up, she marries a preacher and lives in a faraway land, where they have two children and live happily ever after.

For years, I felt a little insecure about Tina. I felt like my ex still had a thing for her, but don’t we all have a thing for our first love? I’ve admitted before that I have some trust issues/baggage, but ultimately, I trusted him when he told me had zero interest in her. She was married, to a preacher of all people, he told me. She had children, and he would never want to be with someone who already had children. And, she was not attractive anymore – motherhood had not done her well.

Even when my ex fiance’s brother married Tina’s sister (I know this is getting complicated, I should draw a flow chart), I wasn’t concerned. I mean, I was just a few months away from my own wedding to the man of my dreams.

And then my world crumbled around me. I found out my ex was not the man he pretended to be. Toward the very end, he gave me a password for his cell phone account. He was trying to earn my trust back, and I asked him, “Am I going to find any more lies when I look at this account?” He assured me I wouldn’t. So, I went through his cell phone records, only to find that he’d been texting with Tina daily behind my back for about eight months, all the while deleting any evidence of these conversations from his phone.

“Seriously? Tina? Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to Tina behind my back? You knew I would find this on your phone bills. You gave me the password!” I asked him incredulously.

“I don’t even know how to tell you the truth anymore. I’ve been lying for so long, I simply can’t be honest with you,” was his response. Well if that doesn’t make me want to marry you, I don’t know what does.

He and Tina both swore that these conversations were innocent. She was a married woman, after all. They were simply catching up and talking about how crazy it was that her sister ultimately married his brother. And don’t you know that takes eight months to talk about? Tina admitted she hadn’t told her husband she was back in touch with my ex fiancé, but that was because it was innocent. “If it is innocent, why would you keep it a secret from your husband?” I asked. She didn’t have a good answer.

When I ended the relationship with my ex, the Tina stuff barely had anything to do with it. It was just the tip of the ugly, deceitful, heartbreaking iceberg.

A few weeks ago, when I saw the love song on my ex’s page, posted by none other than Tina, I almost threw up. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I felt so deceived, so hurt, so … consumed with anger.

It turns out that after my ex fiancé and I called off the wedding, Tina and her husband got divorced. How friggin’ convenient. And now they are seeing each other. There’s a constant “Really With Seth and Amy?!” SNL skit running through my head:

Really? You ended up with the girl you always said you wouldn’t? Really?!

Really? She ended her relationship with a PREACHER for a liar like you? Really?!

Really? You guys were rekindling your love for EIGHT MONTHS while you were days from marrying me? Really?!

Really? You couldn’t tell me that you were dating Tina, when you STOOD IN MY HOUSE and told me you were seeing someone “off and on.” Really?!

Really?! She fell for your BS? She thinks you have changed? Or maybe you haven’t told her the whole truth about what you did to me – and who you really are. Really?!

I’m so incredibly angry, in a way that isn’t mature, healthy or attractive. Angry at him, angry at her, angry at the situation, angry at myself for even being angry. Jesus, I was supposed to be over this. Now was the time for acceptance! Damn it – I was the bigger person! Why am I letting him continue to have this power over me? Why am I now, a year after everything happened, finally feeling the anger and resentment for everything he did to me – not just this?

I can’t stop thinking – why was he marrying me in the first place? If he was texting with her for eight months before our wedding, and then the minute we break up, she divorces her husband for him, why did he put me through this past year? Why did he even propose in the first place?

I knew he would move on. But did it have to be with her?

Hello, anger.

**Part of me hesitated to post this for a few reasons. Clearly it’s unflattering. I know he’s allowed to move on, with anyone he wants to move on with. And at the end of the day, I can see through the anger that I do want him to be happy. (Who can blame me if I wanted to be happy first?) I’m fully aware that I need to get over it. And I know that I will get over it. This is just another reminder of how lucky I am that I got out of this relationship before the wedding. And, I’m afraid I give him some power by showing him this bothers me. But you know what? I said I’d be honest here. I’m sharing my journey. And this is part of my journey – no matter how unpleasant or unattractive. And I know that some of you have been through something similar. So, I warily press “Publish” this morning, and look forward to your comments.**

Update: Shortly after posting this morning, my ex called me. Which is interesting considering he claims not to read the blog anymore. He was upset that I wrote about this, and wanted to make it clear that nothing ever happened with him and her while we were together. He asked me to take this post down, saying it was a lie. Well, he’s right about one thing. I have no idea what happened with them. It absolutely could have all been very innocent. To be honest, I hope that is the truth. That would be far more in line with the man I thought I was marrying. I’m just here writing about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I know that the anger will pass, and I will get over this. But I do not wish ill will on Tina or my ex. What I’m concerned about is me, and my healing process. And posting honestly on this blog is part of that. My intention is never to use this blog as a weapon to hurt anyone. I think the people that have been reading for the past year know that to be true.

Is Facebook and Texting Changing College Relationships?

 

This is accurate for about 90% of the relationships I see on Facebook.

You see a couple–cute, attractive and madly in love. Then jealousy and frustration start knocking on the front door, trying to remind you that your current status is single.

Flash forward a couple of months, or even more, you still see the couple together in more pictures. You start to feel a little helpless that you have been so caught up with work and school to find someone for you.

Then the seemingly inevitable happens.

You notice one or the other post a status saying they want to go out and party, or any of the clear Facebook ‘recently single’ indicators.

The cute couple you loved to hate has now broken up and you are happy that they are single and a little sad too. Maybe you lost hope that it could actually work out for you in the future.

The truth is, you can find someone, and it will work out. The bad news is we are all playing in a completely different ball park with new rules that didn’t exist a few years ago. Facebook has overhauled the social experience and along with it has changed the dynamics of relationships.

The relationship dynamics have changed before, you just have to adapt. The fact that you married someone out of love really isn’t that old of a concept. Giving the daughter to another man used to be almost a business deal, where then he would provide the bride’s father with money and security for the rest of their lives. Those traditions are even still practiced in countries like China and India. So be thankful you aren’t just part of your dad’s business deal.

But you are part of this technology driven relationship shift. So how will this change the way we date?

You now have ways to cheat and flirt that are one poke away. Easily flirting with others increases tension, doubt, jealousy, in relationships where one person thinks they have a promiscuous partner.

We no longer deal with just avoiding the possible partner who might flirt with anyone they meet in a bar. We now have to worry and almost test the person we are interested in from the beginning to see whether they are a tech/text whore or not.  Now if you find someone who is constantly getting text you have to wonder if that is something that would bother you or not. Some people don’t mind, and others really care if they are hanging out with someone they like and they get text from new guys or new girls every time you see them.

It seems like cheating is only one text away, and the fact that you are not in person or physically talking to those who you might cheat with, won’t feel as wrong. Maybe they will think, “It’s only one little flirty text, not like I’m there in person” or, “It’s just a Facebook message/poke”. But we all know– one thing leads to another and if you find yourself creeping over the line closer to a full blown cheat-fest.

So how do you deal with the changing times?

Well, there is obviously no one size fits all solution, but there are ways you can protect the relationship dynamics that will greatly increase your chances to avoid these situations.

 1.       First, you have to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t prone to the kind of behavior you don’t like (what a concept). If you are consistently falling for the type of person who cheats, you probably need to take a step back and look at the kind of people you’re going for. Make sure you go for a guy or girl who is actually trusting and doesn’t have the social butterfly persona or long list of ex girlfriends/boyfriends. Maybe you should think about the way you met and ask yourself if it was the right way to meet someone you would want to be with. If you met the person in a party while they were dating someone else, then don’t be surprised if they are in a party while you’re together and it happens again, only this time you’re the person who isn’t in on the secret. Be smart and stick to your check list.

2.      Create an understanding of what you expect from each other. It is simple, if you are starting to move past the talking stage of a relationship and see yourselves getting more serious, you need to have a talk about what you want in a relationship. You need to listen to what they expect too, it’s not only about you. Make sure you time this right. You don’t want to be making some ground rules when you barely started to talk.

3.      Look for red flags. If you find a trait or something they do or have done as a deal breaker when you’re getting to know them, then you need to cut the cord. People do not change. Especially don’t at the stubborn age of college. The sooner you understand that the sooner you can abandon ship before it sinks.

4.      Be ready to commit. Do not jump into a relationship because you are lonely. Finding someone to fill an empty gap is completely different than finding someone who you are compatible with. You will find someone much more suitable for you when you start to look with a clear mind that isn’t desperate or fogged with hope.

College is a time when you need to focus on yourself and your future. Being in a relationship with the wrong person can seriously damage your chances of accomplishing important things that can help your career. Relationships are a lot of volatility you can’t control. Being very involved and doing well in school will set you up with a job that may not be in the same state where you went to college, going to study abroad will help you see the world, and having a relationship with someone who might move far away for their dream job is an awful situation you can avoid. You might feel like you are the most mature and responsible person, and I’m sure you felt like that three years ago, but you are still changing and maturing.

There is a time and place to be in a healthy relationship and jumping into one now with so much at stake and all the technology that influences college relationships can be risky. Make sure you think twice before jumping so you don’t fall, on your face.

Click to read more from Living the College Life

Signs Of Cheating

It’s hard to be sure if someone’s cheating, but protect yourself: Be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit within the relationship.  But, at the same time, be careful not to let anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive the one you love away.  It is important to be confident in your relationship.  Insecurity can lead you to want to see things that aren’t there.  However, there are certain signs of cheating or lying that you can be more aware of in your relationship.

Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating: 

Changes in Your Sex Life-  At first you may notice your partner wants to have more sex than usual.  This can actually happen when someone is beginning to cheat because they are turned on by this new person they’ve met.  It is sad, but true, that they may be thinking of this person and feel more sexual.  In time, if they actually start having sex with this person on a continuous basis, you may find your sex life comes to a sudden halt.  Unless your partner has super human powers, they can only have so much sex.  So, if they’re getting it from another source, you might notice.  Whether or not they are actually cheating with another person or they have a porn addiction, a decrease in sex signals possible issues in the relationship.

Jumpy Cell Phone Habits-  In a perfect world, we’d be open about sharing our correspondence with our significant others.  Most of the time, we trust that we don’t have to worry about who is texting or calling them.  But, if you notice that they’re getting protective and/or nervous when they gets calls or texts, it may be cause for alarm.

Gushing or Talking About Someone Suddenly-  You know that exhilarating feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting?  You want to tell the world about him or her.   If your partner  begins talking a lot about a guy or girl they recently met, you may want to have your radar tuned in.  It may sound just friendly at first, but if this person keeps coming up in conversation, you may want to see if your partner is willing to let you meet this person they find so fascinating.  If they are reluctant, there may be more going on.

Disconnect-   Even though relationships ebb and flow naturally, if you’re sensing that your partner is pulling away from you, then there may be someone else.  Emotional disconnect should be investigated regardless of whether it’s caused by cheating.  There’s a problem if they aren’t laughing or seeming as passionate as usual.  It’s hard to spread love/passion between two people, so the person who used to have it will feel it slipping away if it’s being given to someone else.

Pulling a Houdini-  If your boyfriend or girlfriend is disappearing, traveling, or unavailable by phone to the point where you are starting to wonder, then they could be cheating.  Also, these times tend to take on a pattern because it’s tough to synch up schedules, especially in secret.

Friends Acting Strange-  Their friends will certainly remain loyal to them in most cases.  They will not let you know what’s going on, but they will definitely be racked with guilt, and their behavior may change slightly when they are around you while protecting their friend’s secret.

Caught in Lies About Other Things-  If you catch your partner in a lie, your trust will naturally be damaged.  Don’t hold a grudge — forgiveness is a good thing.  If they consistently break your trust, it’s can start a pattern of behavior that may lead to cheating.  Do yourself a favor: If they keep lying, whether these lies are big or small, seriously reconsider your reasons for wanting to remain in the relationship.

Done It Before-  Know your partner’s history.  It can be a red flag if they cheated before, but definitely consider the context.  If it was at the end of a bad relationship and they didn’t have that pattern with other boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s, you may not want to panic.  If someone is upfront with you that they’ve made mistakes in the past, maybe give them a chance — but make it a long probationary period before you let your guard down.  If they have cheated several times in one relationship, or cheated in several different relationships, you may want to open your eyes to the reality of the situation.  Especially if you find out from someone else, or they tell you after you catch them lying about something else.  Not being upfront, is a huge red flag.  There are people out there who simply can’t or won’t be faithful in relationships.

Trust Your Gut-  Don’t ignore your sixth sense.  People are gifted at sensing when something doesn’t feel right.  Whether or not there are red flags in your relationship, if something feels off, don’t ignore this feeling.  Usually that feeling is right, and something intangible may urge to look further into the situation.

5 Signs That a Nice Guy Isn’t So Nice

I found this post on Hugstronger, a website dedicated to helping college student’s stay positive.

We’ve all been warned.  Before leaving for college, we receive a surplus of information from older friends, advising us both academically and socially.  These friends also share their dating wisdom, cautioning us against falling for the “wrong” kind of guy.

Pop culture portrays the “wrong guy” as the unmotivated slacker who skates by on an academic probation, or as the misogynist who only wants you for your looks.  However, during my freshman year, I learned that the wrong guy can be difficult to spot, because he often disguises himself as the nice guy you can’t help but trust.

That fall, I met a boy with whom I instantly connected.  We fell into an easy friendship that eventually developed into more.  With little dating experience behind me, I took his seemingly charming personality at face value.

In time, I learned that his “nice guy” routine was exactly that – a routine.  He simultaneously pursued multiple girls who had no knowledge of each other, while feeding them the same lines and spreading hurtful rumors. Ultimately, I realized our relationship was unhealthy and would only drag me down.

Nice guys do exist, and I’ve dated a few since then. However, when dealing with new guys, watch out for red flags:

1. He says mostly negative things about his ex-girlfriends.
If he tells you extremely personal (or insulting) details about previous girlfriends, chances are he’ll say the same things about you when you break up.  Of course, you don’t want to date someone who still loves his ex-girlfriend, but if he seems particularly vindictive toward the girls he’s dated, you might want to break things off.

2. He likes to tell you about all of his admirers.
Even when he claimed to be interested in only me, my not-so-nice guy would constantly rant about the many girls who were “in love” with him.  I’m not a jealous person, but I often wondered why he needed to share this knowledge.  It’s one thing if other girls find him attractive; it’s another thing if he’s using that information to try and upset you.

3. He mixes up his stories.
First he tells you that he was spending time with his boys last night.  Then he casually slips in that another girl was there.  Then he gets annoyed when you ask him for details about his evening, and accuses you of not trusting him.  What starts out as simple curiosity can quickly morph into suspicion.

4. He plays hot and cold with your emotions.
If a boy is sending you mixed signals for any prolonged period of time, he’s not that into you.  If he’s truly worth your time, he will make it known that he’s interested, and he won’t keep you guessing whether or not he wants a relationship.

5. He disguises condescending remarks as compliments.
In trying to win me back, my not-so-nice guy once explained that I had grown since we last parted ways, and that he now felt more attracted to me because of how “assertive” I had become. (Translation: “Now that you’re unattainable, I consider you a challenge worth pursuing.”) The truth was, I hadn’t changed much in that time, and I didn’t need his affirmation that I had “grown” enough to be worth his attention. Remember, you deserve to be treated well no matter how much you still have left to learn or accomplish.

Not-so-nice guys come in all forms. Be aware of the warning signs, so that you won’t fall into the same traps as many others.  Don’t settle for anyone who treats you as anything less than you deserve.

Valerie Moses is a senior at the University of Central Florida, pursuing her Bachelor’s degree in Advertising and Public Relations and a minor in Hospitality Management. Trained in career counseling and advising, she loves working with college students and helping them discover the majors of their dreams. When she isn’t in class or at work, Valerie can be found planning theme parties and large-scale fundraising events, roaming around Orlando with her friends, playing with her two dogs, writing her memoir, and keeping up her own blog, So It Must Be True.

The Text You Wish You Could Take Back!

It’s Saturday morning or maybe afternoon.  You wake up and look at your phone.  Then you start to freak out as you read your texts from the night before.   You know you’ve done it!  Then afterwards you swear to yourself that it will never happen again.  But like Katie Perry sings, “Next Friday night…do it all again!”

So, are you really doomed every weekend to text something you regret at 2am?  Let’s just say that not a lot of good things happen at 2am with your phone unfortunately.  Even if you haven’t been drinking or engaging in extracurricular activities, your guard is down when you’re tired.  The judgment part of your brain that usually tells you to stop before doing something stupid isn’t at its peak after a certain time at night.  When you stay up late because your bored, studying, or even partying, it makes you vulnerable to those thoughts and feelings you’ve been able to keep under control the rest of the day.

How many of you text your ex in the early afternoon because you miss them and want to hook up for a few hours?  I’m guessing very few.  How many of you text your ex after at 11pm, midnight, or 1am to see if they’re awake and want to hook up?  I’m guessing a few more hands went into the air.  You may think alcohol gives you the liquid courage you needed to take a risk.  But, in reality the alcohol, or even just being over tired, is what shuts down the part of your brain that thinks through the possible consequences of your actions.  It is only when you wake up the next day that your brain remembers why you should delete that person’s number from your phone.

Even if you didn’t actually hook up, you still sent a text that you now wish you could suck back through cyber space.  It’s now out there that you are still thinking about this person.  Maybe you feel embarrassed or mad at yourself for giving your ex or some other idiot an ego boost.  You know when you get a drunk text there is a part of you that feels good.  It can be offensive or annoying, but it can also feel empowering.  This is why on the other end the person is cringing the next day.  It sucks to show vulnerability.  All I can say is that you are not alone.

It is common to have those weak moments.  The lyrics of the song, One More Night by Maroon 5, say it better than I can.  “Trying to tell you “no” but my body keeps on telling you “yes”.  Trying to tell you to stop, but your lipstick got me so out of breath.  I’d be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.  And I’d be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.  But baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you. Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.  Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.  And now I’m feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.  So I cross my heart and I hope to die.  That I’ll only stay with you one more night.  And I know I said it a million times.  But I’ll only stay with you one more night.”

Either Adam Levine has sent one of those texts or he knows someone who has.  How do you think one more night starts?  With a text late at night!!  So how do you solve this problem?  Flush your phone down the toilet??  Probably not.  There really is no easy way to stop being stupid with your phone if you feel tired, lonely or just plain horny.  Unfortunately, your phone, with all its cool capabilities, isn’t always your friend.  Also, be aware that life is full of mistakes.  Usually humans need to put themselves in a lot of pain or have to feel a lot of fear to change a behavior.  If you make too many mistakes with your phone, you hopefully start to feel some pain from embarrassment or become afraid of losing something else you value (like a current relationship).  Once you’ve reached a certain pain threshold, then even liquid courage isn’t going to coerce you to send a text you’ll later regret.

Not all late night texts are going to be painful.  Some might even be cute or hilarious.  However, if they are painful or get you into trouble, then hope that memory will help stop you in the future.  No one likes it, but pain is a good reminder of what NOT to do.  If something hurts, you most likely will try to avoid it in the future.  If you keep repeating something, either it hasn’t been painful enough or too much time has gone by and the pain has faded away.  At some point though, it will get easier to have more control over your phone.   Until then, don’t be too hard on yourself okay?

Why You Shouldn’t Be Friends With Your Ex

This can be quite the pickle as you end a relationship and feel as if you don’t necessarily want it to be completely over. Carefully walk the friend line because there is a good chance someone will be hurt.

So here are 10 reasons why you shouldn’t be friends with your ex.

1. When you breakup with someone you are still going to have feelings for them– you can’t just turn them off once you become friends. This is going to lead to a disaster or disappointment.

2. False Hope– when you become friends with your ex, you don’t necessarily want to admit that there is any false hope. Let’s be honest; one of you will have the anticipation that you will get back together.

3. You’ve seen each other naked. This is going to be kind of awkward as you hang out and you will surely blur what a friendship is once a conversation leads to a topic having anything to do with being naked.

4. You’re not going to actively want them to be with anyone else. What is the point of being friends if you can’t really be friends with them on Facebook and comfortably see who they are flirting with? Also, judging the girl commenting on his pictures isn’t the healthiest hobby to have.

5. Friends can talk about sex and dating other people. There is a good chance you will be uncomfortable if you ever hear anything sexual about your ex which defeats the purpose of a friendship. Why would you want to talk about sex with your ex… who you are NOT having sex with?

6. Good chance you will sleep with each other again. You might regret this the day after when you are confused about what you should think or say to them. Especially if one doesn’t become attached from it.

7. You deserve to be around people who make you happy. If your ex broke up with you, then you need to reconsider how they really make you feel. If you think they make you happy, then the next day you hate them—that doesn’t sound like much fun.

8. Hanging out with friends requires friend activities, including attending their wedding(s). Can you go to your ex’s wedding and be fine with it?

9. Being friends with your ex is just going to lead to breaking up again and again. Going through a breakup once is already hard enough. Why do it more than once?

10. This doesn’t necessarily apply to every ex. There are rare relationships where the ending is truly mutual and neither would care if the other has moved on and are not interested in being an item again.

I hope these reasons were able to help you out in some way. It’s never a fun situation to be in but remember you will be fine and you need to keep your chin up!

This post originally featured in Living the College Life

Hooking Up With Your Ex

Weak moments…many people have them when it comes to their ex’s.  Since it seems to be almost impossible to delete them off your Facebook and out of your contacts on your phone, it is too easy to hit them up for sex when you have a lonely or drunk moment.

It is logical to want to stay away from someone you just broke up with.  However, break ups are rarely ever logical.  Emotions are messy and it can take awhile to extricate someone completely out of your life.  Unless one half of the couple is resolute on never speaking to the other half ever again, sex is very likely to happen.

Why?  Because loneliness sucks!  Your mind tells you that at least your ex is familiar territory.  Sometimes there is an underlying agenda of wanting to get back together with your ex.  Sometimes it is just about wanting sex in a weak or stupid moment.  Other times, you just don’t want them to be having sex with anyone else, so you make sure your still offering it up.  You may not exactly want to get back together, but you aren’t ready to let them go either.

Whatever reason you are using to still hook up with your ex, just know that it could make things a lot more messy in long run.  First scenario, you are still in love with your ex, but your ex is no longer in love with you.  Yes, they may agree to have sex with you which makes you feel good in the moment.  However, after that moment passes you feel even more alone.  It can make you miss that person more and hope that maybe you might get back together.  You may think you can keep it casual, but deep down you know you’ll freak out if you find out they are seeing someone else.  Unfortunately, this is how this particular scenario usually ends up.  One day your ex will find someone else, at that point, they are probably going to have an easier time turning you down for sex.  When you find out they are in fact seeing and having sex with someone else you are going to go through the break up pain all over again.  The hope of getting back together is gone and it can be pretty devastating.

Second scenario, you are wanting to have sex with your ex to keep them from having sex with someone else.  This may or may not work in reality.  Remember, you are no longer together.  This means they aren’t cheating on you if they are having sex with someone else during the same time period they are still having sex you.  If it comes out that they are sleeping with other people besides you it is going to cause you to feel very angry.  You will want to start a fight that you don’t really have a right to start.  They don’t owe you anything after a break up.  I know they SHOULD have told you they were having sex with someone else, but they don’t HAVE to.  You may still feel like they cheated on you because they weren’t upfront.  However, remember many people lie in order to have sex.  Don’t be surprised that your ex is doing the same thing.

Third scenario, you just want a random hook up because you are feeling lonely or too drunk to care.  Maybe you don’t have a hidden agenda.  You have emotionally moved on, but the prospect of having sex with your ex is too strong to pass up.  This seems simple and at first doesn’t reveal any complications.  However, what do you think the chances are your ex is on the same emotional page as you when it comes to your break up?  Lets guess…about 1%.  I haven’t done a study, but I feel that is a pretty good guess.  So don’t complain when the texts and phone calls start up the following day.  You may have just opened a door that should have remained shut.  Now you have to deal with the emotional fall out all over again because they are hoping to see you or hang out again.  Remember, you aren’t the only one involved in this game, be prepared for drama when you don’t respond to their text or Facebook message the next day.

Last scenario, you are in a new relationship, but feel like hooking up with your ex for old times sake.  Think again!  This is cheating and don’t think your ex won’t try to mess up your new relationship because they are too mature for that kind of drama.  You are taking a very big chance that all will stay quiet and on the down low.  If you are in a new relationship then that hopefully means you have moved on.  Stay moved on or decide not to get into a new relationship yet.  The mature thing to do is be faithful, instead of expecting your ex to the mature one by not updating their status as “hooked up with ex last night”  on their Facebook page.

No one is perfect and it is hard to move on after a break up.  I know having sex with your ex is common, but don’t give up on trying to set better boundaries with them.  It is possible, and deep down, you know you either want more from your ex or they are wanting more from you.  Remember, short term pain for long term gain.  I always tell students that they can handle a lot more than they think they can.  Which means you can get through that lonely moment and feel proud of yourself the next day that you didn’t give in.  In the mean time, if you do mess up, just remember a day will come when you will be moved on.  Live for that day and don’t give up trying to make that day sooner than later.

Finding Yourself When You’re Single

I saw this post on College Candy. It was written by Katie.  Feel free to click on the link to read more from Katie.

My name is Katie. I’m a twenty-something. I am single. I mean like, painfully single. This means no guys to kiss, to flirt with, to text, to complain to your girlfriends about, etc. Nada. Nothing. Zip. I’m in the healing process from a pretty brutal breakup, and now that ex-Manfriend and I are dunzo, it’s time for me to be single—painfully single.

This is usually the moment when I panic and scramble to find someone, anyone to fill the void that comes with being alone. I will reel in past loves that didn’t work the first ten times. I’ll text a “thinking of you” message to The One That Got Away. I’ll even contemplate online dating for a hot minute. I feel the need to do all this because I’d rather grasp at straws than let the loneliness step in and take control.

I think this is the time in our lives when we’re just plain confused about everything, including love. Am I supposed to be single? Am I supposed to be looking for a hubby? I never know what’s “right” or “normal” in the dating world of a twenty-something. Maybe it’s because a few of my friends are getting hitched and having babies (Please stop doing this by the way, people. I’m not emotionally ready to handle it. Think about ME.), or maybe it’s because I’m afraid of being alone. It could just be the anxiety that drives me to feel like if I don’t pair up soon, I never will. It could be because I’m not exactly the best at being single.

And that doesn’t mean that I’m always in a relationship—quite the contrary actually. I’ve said the “L” word a couple times and been in “serious relationships” (Whatever the hell that means anymore. #bitter), but for the majority of my life, I’ve been a single woman. I think I’m okay with being single, just not painfully single. I guess I should explain the difference.

If you ask any of my girlfriends, they will tell you that I always have “someone.” This basically means that I always have a guy to like or “talk to” or text. I go on dates and all that fun stuff, but there is never any pressure of commitment. When I’m not committed, I’m probably semi-committed by my own doing because I can’t deal with the pain of being single. Sidenote: If I don’t make sense right now, that’s normal because I never make sense to myself when it comes to any of this stuff either. It’s just that when I don’t have anyone to “talk to”, that is when the pain of being single seeps in. It feels like nothing else will ever come along. No new catches, no old flames—just me, myself and I.

When I become painfully single, the panic sets in. I switch into desperation mode. I start looking at my best guy friend differently, consider online dating, and go out more than usual just in case the man of my dreams sits down at the barstool next to me.

I have to ask myself why I’m suddenly entertaining the thought of dating my Boy BFF. Is it because I’m actually interested and have feelings for him or could it be that I can’t deal with being 100% alone? I’m beginning to think the latter. Can you blame me though? Who doesn’t like having someone to text the mundane details of your life to? Someone to snuggle and watch Netflix with? Someone to call yours? Being part of a pair is a wonderful feeling of fulfillment. Though for the first time as a twenty-something, I’m starting to recognize that having a guy be interested in me is not the “be all, end all” for my personal fulfillment.

I’m learning that I can be happy and content without a guy in my life. I can believe that I’m worthy without needing a guy to reassure me of that. I can find out who I am on my own. Male attention should not dictate my happiness and quality of life. I can be alone.

There is nothing wrong with being single. In your twenties, it might actually be one of the best things for you. I think that being single is something you have to do for a little while in order to understand who you are as an individual. A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend about a year ago, and of course, she was bummed. But instead of crying and moping around, she took up running. Whenever she was feeling upset, she just went out for a jog. She soon found herself running almost everyday of the week. About a month ago, she crossed the finish line of her first half marathon.

She told me that she would never have known how much she enjoyed running if her and her ex had never called it quits. She’d be too busy traveling to go visit him a few states away or working extra hours at her job to save up for a plane ticket to go see him on the weekends.

Being single allows us ladies to find out who we are and what we’re passionate about without having a guy influence us. Because let’s be honest, do you really like to golf? Or watching Monday Night Football? Or playing Tony Hawk on his old Playstaion? Or watching Dumb and Dumber whenever it’s on cable? Maybe you do if you’re the perfect woman, but I’m guessing you probably don’t love all those things, you just adopted them because he loves them.

When you’re on your own, you have the opportunity to discover your own passions. You have the time to go out and figure out what you enjoy and what you want to do with your life. You get to cross the finish line of your own half marathon. There is no one to answer to. There is just your mind, your passions, your ideas—yourself. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely, and I think for the first time, I’m understanding that difference.

Katie is finishing up her undergrad at North Central College in Naperville, Illinois. She enjoys wasting hours on Facebook and tweeting things no one cares about. When asked the question, “Do you do marathons?” She promptly responds, “Of course! Which show?” Follow her @KatieGarrity! Or read her personal blog where she talks incessantly about Ryan Gosling and hummus here!

Should You Confess to Cheating?

I read a post on Sexy Tofu’s blog about whether confessing to cheating is always right thing to do.  I thought she had some good insights and made some good points.  I decided to copy her post and share with you her thoughts on this topic:

I’ve written before on infidelity; It’s a big “no no” in my book—which, in case you were wondering, probably closer resembles a dog-eared trashy paperback than a manual on ethics.  But I’m going to get into ethics now.  Bear with me.

Most of us already know that when it comes to emotions, not everything is in black and white.  We all have feelings, and these feelings can make a bigger mess than a two year old with a white wall and a box of crayons.

However, if we want to get ethical, are there shades of grey when it comes to right and wrong?  Are moral standards based on the eye of the beholder?  Does right and wrong change situationally?  Is a hero still a hero if he only saved that little boy from the well because he knew he would be showered in praise?

Oh man, that was some rapid fire questioning.  Back on track.  I think that cheating is always the wrong thing to do.  If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled in your relationship, get out of it.  Don’t cheat.  But no one can be right all the time, and so let’s consider what happens after you have cheated.  Most would consider that the “right” thing to do would be to tell your partner.  Come clean.  You’ve already been unfaithful, let’s not double the offense with dishonesty.  Right?

I think it depends on both the situation and motive behind your confession.

As for situation: How big is your offense?  If you meet with an old flame or a stranger and share a fleeting kiss, a one time mistake completely regretted, is that something worth uprooting your partners’ self esteem and your relationship?  Some would say no, and others would say yes.  You made your bed, now lie in it—crumbled relationship and all.

What if you’ve cheated but plan on leaving anyway?  Is it better to just leave and save your partner a bit of dignity (being left is bad enough, being betrayed and left is even worse), or should you tell them before you go?
What if you’re a habitual cheater?  That sort of dishonesty is often a personality trait; someone who tends to veer toward the hedonistic side of things.  Should Sir Tryst A Lot come clean while someone who kissed a stranger at the bar should keep their lips sealed?  Does it matter the level of offense, or is a cheater a cheater a cheater?

And as for motives, what if in your confession you lift your own burden of guilt only to place it on the shoulders of your partner?  You may feel better, but they all of a sudden feel betrayed and hurt. And anyone who has ever been cheated on knows that even if you KNOW the offense had nothing to do with you or your actions, you cannot help but take it personally.  It will make you insecure, even if only momentarily.  It’s insanely difficult, even for the most logical and mature of us, not to turn betrayal inward.  And on top of the pain you put on your partner, the relationship will suffer, trust will have to be rebuilt, if possible.  So in this light, is it always right to be honest?

I think the righteousness of a confession can also depend greatly on the motive behind the confession.  A friend of mine recently brought up the concept of acting out of love vs. out of fear.  Not to get all new agey on you, but I think that could have a lot to do with what makes coming clean the right or the wrong thing to do.  Are you telling your partner because you love them truly, because you’re truly sorry, and you want to correct your dishonest behavior and rebuild? Or are you telling them because you’re trying to remove your own guilt, which some may argue is a product of fear.  Or on the other end, could you argue that in staying quiet, you are acting on fear–the fear of your partner leaving you if they find out what you’ve done?  UGH I know this stuff has some merit but I really can’t talk about love and fear without thinking about Donnie Darko.

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion

So let’s take this into pop culture, shall we. Recently to the horror of all those Twihards, Kristin Stewart admitted to cheating on R-Patz (nose wrinkle) with the MARRIED director of Snow White and the Huntsman. However she only admitted to it after some photos of her and director Rupert Sanders surfaced. Stewart regrets it, Sanders regrets it, lots of tears all around. But neither of the offenders came clean without the pressure of being found out, which makes their admissions completely fear based. Double fail for this shady lady.