You did what with who where when and how many times?

Do you really want to know the answer to those questions?  Your heart is saying yes, but I’m here to let you know, your mind can’t handle the truth.

When you have caught your boyfriend or girlfriend cheating, it becomes an obsession to find out all the details.  Questions blow through your mind at lightening speed.  You want to know what that other person looks like, how long they’ve been hooking up, where they have been hooking up.  You want to know how it started, what your boyfriend or girlfriend said, what the other person said.  You want to know what positions they did it in, if oral sex was involved, how many times did it happen.  Details, details, you want all the details!!!

I’m not saying your boyfriend or girlfriend who just betrayed you should get off the hook.  But if you have any chance of repairing this relationship, you really don’t want all the details.  The brain isn’t capable of handling the explicit sexual details.  You will start to imagine everything they tell you over and over and over and it will cause you much suffering and heartache.

What is appropriate for you to know is this.  Who did they cheat on you with.  How long has it been going on.  Was it just an emotional affair, just sexual, or both.  How did it start.  What feelings are involved at this point.  Did they use a condom.  And the most important, it is really over.  In some cases if there are multiple people, you want to know how many people they have cheated on you with.

These answers are important because it will tell you what chance there is to forgive them and move forward.  Everyone has their limits and these answers will help you know if your boyfriend or girlfriend just crossed them.  Lots of people state that if their boyfriend or girlfriend cheated they would be gone in a heartbeat.  I have witnessed otherwise many times.  It really depends on the situation and you really don’t know what you will do until you are actually dealing with it.  Love is a very strong emotion that doesn’t use rational sense to make decisions.  You may be surprised how much you can forgive sometimes.

Do stay away from all the sexual details.  You don’t really need or want to know who was on top or how proficient the other person was at giving oral sex.  You may disagree and state that your imagination is probably worse than what your partner could reveal.  From counseling many people through this I can tell  you that it isn’t true.  Once you know certain things, you can’t un-know them.  I find the details cause more harm than good in the long run.  If your imagination is continuing to run wild, you may want to talk to someone to find out how to stop torturing yourself.  Some people are more imaginative and obsessive than others.  If you happen to be plagued with obsessive thoughts, please see someone to help you figure out how to manage them.

Being cheated on is a devastating thing to go through.  It completely knocks the wind out of you and the recovery process takes time whether you stay in that relationship or not.  If you choose to stay in the relationship find a way to rebuild trust.  The urge to pay the person back by either cheating on them or hurting them in some other way will be great.  You will go through periods of denial, depression, anger, bargaining and then finally acceptance.  It is normal to go through all those emotions in one day, one week or within a month or so.  It is only a problem if you find yourself getting stuck in depression or anger.  You are then effectively letting this person control you and hurt you far longer than they deserve.  The goal is to move forward no matter what.  You still have your life to live.  It doesn’t stop because this person was an idiot.

Also, stop blaming yourself!  It is not your fault that someone cheated on you.  If you feel that there are things you did wrong in the relationship, work on correcting them.  That still doesn’t excuse your girlfriend or boyfriend’s behavior.  If what you were doing was hurting them, there were other ways for them to communicate that to you other than stepping out with someone else.  So try to stop obsessing, blaming and hating.  Those emotions are draining and they don’t change anything.  Figure out what your choices are and do your best to make the best choice for you.  Hang in there!

2 comments on “T.M.I.

  1. I found this blog to be a real necessary piece of information. Life doesn’t come with manuals and instructions but maybe it should. A good quote from Bette Midler, “If Love and Sex, are so natural why are there so many book about it!” That may may not be the exact quote but close.
    I did look at your books page and I have the “5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman”. It’s a very good book.
    Another good book is “Men Are From Mars, And Women Are From Venus.” This may be a cliché classic but it’s still very good. EVERY MAN SHOULD READ IT. A twist on that classic(a slightly different but important version) is by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, “Love and Respect”. If you’re not religious read it anyway. Look past the religious and hear the message. If every woman that wanted to say “I Love you” to a man would replace it with “I RESPECT You” great strides could be made in a lot of relationships.

  2. Pingback: A Note to Those Who Have Cheated | College Life- Sex and Relationships

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