Are you an idiot if you forgive someone after they have hurt you?  What is forgiveness?  How do you forgive someone?

Relationships are complicated.  It is impossible to be in a long term relationship and not hurt each other at some point.  We all make mistakes.  Only you will know if you are able to get past something in a relationship and be able to move forward.  In these situations it is hard to ask for advice because everyone may tell you do different things.  Don’t compare yourself to other relationships.  There have been people who have left too soon in the relationship and people who maybe have stayed way too long.  Only you will know when it is time to leave for good.

Until that time, what do you do when you get hurt?  The best thing to do is to forgive.  Forgiveness is not condoning what the other person did and admitting it was okay for them to hurt you.  Forgiveness is making a choice to stay with the person and not holding the past against them.  If you find you can’t stay with someone without resentment and anger you may want to rethink your decision.  Just because someone hurts you doesn’t mean you get to take revenge on them for weeks, months or years to get them back.  It means moving forward and trying to make things better.

If the person was honestly sorry and made an honest change, the hurt will fade and it will be easier to move forward.  Again, we all  make mistakes and it can make the relationship stronger when you go through hard times.  Where it gets complicated is when the person is sorry but doesn’t really change.  What happens in this case is that you may have forgiven the original hurt.  The person apologized and made an effort to change.  Then in time reverted back to old habits and hurt you again.  Now you have another hurt to forgive.  In time if someone hurts you again and again, it does get harder to forgive over and over.  Especially if it is the same hurt.  The wound never really heals and the relationship slowly dies, even if people stay together.  People stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons, not all of them are good reasons.  So even though someone may choose to stay, it doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy.  Most of the time it only becomes more dysfunctional.  Other people may choose to leave if their partner won’t change so they can heal and be more healthy.

When you leave a relationship, you still have to find a way to forgive.  It is very hard on any future relationship if you have a lot of hate and anger seething inside for your ex.  You want to heal those wounds or you may end up hurting your future relationship without intending to.  Holding onto the hurt and anger is only hurting you and your future.  If you have already wasted a lot of time and energy on someone, do you want to continue to give them all that energy when you aren’t even with them?  Most of the time it isn’t worth it.  Find a way to put it behind you and give yourself the opportunity to be happy on your own or in a future relationship.

2 comments on “Forgiveness

  1. Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one that gets burned – Budda

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