There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hold on to someone who won’t stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won’t leave? -from the War of the Roses
Love! Why can’t it be more simple? Boy meets girl…boy falls in love…girl loves him back…they live happily ever after. More often I see this…Boy meets girl…girl chases boy…boy plays along for a little while but then tries to drop off the grid…girl continues to stalk boy…or vice versa. I’ve learned that nothing is ever simple in relationships and they rarely go the way you expect them to go. Everything starts out okay, but somewhere down the line something shifts.
You know this shift has happened because you are the one that is always initiating the texting or phone calls. You are the one wanting to make plans, and the other person is vague until the last-minute, like they were waiting to see if something better would pop u. You can feel this change but your mind and heart want to remain in denial. You want to go back to those first few weeks when everything was easy and you both felt super attracted to each other. Those weeks make you do things you swore you would never do in a relationship. Like stalking them on Facebook. Texting them 5 times in one hour even though they haven’t texted you back. Asking your friends over and over what they think and ignoring them when they say you deserve better.
The fact is that no amount of hoping, wishing or even begging can make someone stay who wants to leave. The answer to the question above is that you can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t want to stay with you. They will make your life miserable. They may humor you at times or give you what you want randomly in weak moments, but overall, they will drive you crazy until it’s too hard to continue to love them.
The flip side is trying to get out of relationship when the other person is holding on to you with a death grip. You realize you are ready to move on but know there won’t be an easy way out. First of all, if you are like me, you don’t like to hurt the other person’s feelings. So you may stay longer than you want, to try to avoid causing them any pain. You may give in to their pleading for you to stay at first. This can drag out a relationship and build resentment. You will finally get fed up and become very mean in order to get your point across. This usually has some shock value that gives you a little reprieve, but if that person is still very much in love with you, they probably won’t give up that easily.
I’ve always been scared to be a landlord for this same reason. What if I get someone in my apartment who doesn’t pay, but doesn’t want to leave? I may try to terminate the contract, but they may not budge from the apartment. Anyone who has been a landlord knows that it isn’t easy to make someone leave who doesn’t want to go. It is the same way with relationships. Once you enter into a relationship with someone, you take the risk of them being attached to you for a long time whether you like it or not. Some people will go quietly in the night and leave you alone when you tell them it is over, but not everyone is so easy to dismiss.
It is also true that many people waffle in their feelings during a break up. This causes all sorts of damage. You may try to break it off but then change your mind and take them back. This makes it much harder for the other person to move on and for you to make a permanent break. This person is not going to believe that you really want to break up. They will try harder to get you back and the craziness reaches new heights. With today’s technology it isn’t easy to break up in the first place. You can find people too easily through social networks even if they block you because of mutual friends. This makes it hard for one person to let go and for the other person to get out for good.
If you are trying to break up with someone, my advice is to be consistent! That way the person will get the message sooner. If you play games with their heart, it is only going to make things a lot worse. Yeah, it may seem like a good idea to text them at 1am for a quick hook up, but then don’t be surprised if they turn all fatal attraction on you. Most of the time it doesn’t work out to have your cake and eat it too.
If someone is trying to break up with you, do your best to give them what they want. If you want someone to love you the best thing to do is listen to them. If they say they want space, give it to them. It will show them that you listened and respected them. It is probably the best chance you have of bringing them back. Chasing someone who is trying to get away from you sends the wrong message. Don’t listen to your heart when it tells you that you need to keep letting them know you still love them and want them back. If you told them during the initial break up that you still love them and want them back, that was enough. You don’t have to beat them over the head with it. Let them at least have the chance to miss you a little bit. If you really love someone, be selfless and give them what they want, even if its hard.
The moral of this story is that break ups are messy because it is very rare for two people to feel the same way at the same time. If both people mutually agree to break up, it makes it easier. It rarely happens this way unfortunately. If you are going through this, take a breath and know it may take some time. Hopefully someday soon you will be able to let go and move on.