Sex With The Ex

Weak moments…many people have them when it comes to their ex’s.  Since it seems to be almost impossible to delete them off your Facebook and out of your contacts on your phone, it is too easy to hit them up for sex when you have a lonely or drunk moment.

It is logical to want to stay away from someone you just broke up with.  However, break ups are rarely ever logical.  Emotions are messy and it can take awhile to extricate someone completely out of your life.  Unless one half of the couple is resolute on never speaking to the other half ever again, sex is very likely to happen.

Why?  Because loneliness sucks!  Your mind tells you that at least your ex is familiar territory.  Sometimes there is an underlying agenda of wanting to get back together with your ex.  Sometimes it is just about wanting sex in a weak or stupid moment.  Other times, you just don’t want them to be having sex with anyone else, so you make sure your still offering it up.  You may not exactly want to get back together, but you aren’t ready to let them go either.

Whatever reason you are using to still hook up with your ex, just know that it could make things a lot more messy in long run.  First scenario, you are still in love with your ex, but your ex is no longer in love with you.  Yes, they may agree to have sex with you which makes you feel good in the moment.  However, after that moment passes you feel even more alone.  It can make you miss that person more and hope that maybe you might get back together.  You may think you can keep it casual, but deep down you know you’ll freak out if you find out they are seeing someone else.  Unfortunately, this is how this particular scenario usually ends up.  One day your ex will find someone else, at that point, they are probably going to have an easier time turning you down for sex.  When you find out they are in fact seeing and having sex with someone else you are going to go through the break up pain all over again.  The hope of getting back together is gone and it can be pretty devastating.

Second scenario, you are wanting to have sex with your ex to keep them from having sex with someone else.  This may or may not work in reality.  Remember, you are no longer together.  This means they aren’t cheating on you if they are having sex with someone else during the same time period they are still having sex you.  If it comes out that they are sleeping with other people besides you it is going to cause you to feel very angry.  You will want to start a fight that you don’t really have a right to start.  They don’t owe you anything after a break up.  I know they SHOULD have told you they were having sex with someone else, but they don’t HAVE to.  You may still feel like they cheated on you because they weren’t upfront.  However, remember many people lie in order to have sex.  Don’t be surprised that your ex is doing the same thing.

Third scenario, you just want a random hook up because you are feeling lonely or too drunk to care.  Maybe you don’t have a hidden agenda.  You have emotionally moved on, but the prospect of having sex with your ex is too strong to pass up.  This seems simple and at first doesn’t reveal any complications.  However, what do you think the chances are your ex is on the same emotional page as you when it comes to your break up?  Lets guess…about 1%.  I haven’t done a study, but I feel that is a pretty good guess.  So don’t complain when the texts and phone calls start up the following day.  You may have just opened a door that should have remained shut.  Now you have to deal with the emotional fall out all over again because they are hoping to see you or hang out again.  Remember, you aren’t the only one involved in this game, be prepared for drama when you don’t respond to their text or Facebook message the next day.

Last scenario, you are in a new relationship, but feel like hooking up with your ex for old times sake.  Think again!  This is cheating and don’t think your ex won’t try to mess up your new relationship because they are too mature for that kind of drama.  You are taking a very big chance that all will stay quiet and on the down low.  If you are in a new relationship then that hopefully means you have moved on.  Stay moved on or decide not to get into a new relationship yet.  The mature thing to do is be faithful, instead of expecting your ex to the mature one by not updating their status as “hooked up with ex last night”  on their Facebook page.

No one is perfect and it is hard to move on after a break up.  I know having sex with your ex is common, but don’t give up on trying to set better boundaries with them.  It is possible, and deep down, you know you either want more from your ex or they are wanting more from you.  Remember, short term pain for long term gain.  I always tell students that they can handle a lot more than they think they can.  Which means you can get through that lonely moment and feel proud of yourself the next day that you didn’t give in.  In the mean time, if you do mess up, just remember a day will come when you will be moved on.  Live for that day and don’t give up trying to make that day sooner than later.

8 comments on “Sex With The Ex

  1. I’m having a weak moment as we speak. Its a bit different though. I promised myself not to call him again. But lately I’ve been having this need. Like in scenario one I’m sure if I do, I’ll just want to do it again. I’ll feel even more alone and miss him even more. But this short term pain…isnt so short anymore. I know youre right. As always. But sometimes short term gratifications seem easier…. 😦

    • I totally agree. It is hard to put yourself through pain voluntarily, especially if you know you can relieve that pain even for a short time. I also agree sometimes pain doesn’t always last only a short time, sometimes people struggle for a very long time. I hope those painful moments start to become further and farther apart. I also hope today is a new day for you and you are feeling a little stronger than yesterday! Hang in there!

  2. You are so right! Sex with the ex is generally about trying to get rid of an uncomfortable feeling related to the loss of the relationship. The single biggest thing we, as college therapists, can do to help students is to teach them how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and impulses. Loneliness, sadness, boredom, jealousy, rejected, hurt…..are simply feelings….they come and go like waves, and they will not harm us. We can all learn how to just sit with our feelings (simply ACCEPT them rather than judge or suppress them) and/or distract/soothe ourselves, when necessary. Most of the trouble we get ourselves into involves following an impulsive thought during a weak (sometimes drunk) moment. And using another person or sex to temporarily soothe our emotions and sense of self-worth is not the most effective way of handling stuff or moving on.

    If pain is on-going or chronic and doesn’t let up, something more serious like depression may be to blame.

    • I appreciate your feedback and insight. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond! I also agree that on-going pain could be a sign that something more serious could be going on and should probably be looked into so it can be addressed.

  3. Pingback: Men in my Life: The Break-Ups « The Naked Truth

  4. Pingback: Why Are You Cheating? | College Life- Sex and Relationships

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