Not Making It To The Finish Line

Sometimes people think sex is just easy.  A+B=C right?  Well sometimes our own insecurities and expectations can mess things up when it comes to sex.  Especially when it comes to having an orgasm.  I’ve met with quite a few people over the years who are concerned about the fact that they aren’t able to have an orgasm during sex.

You may be thinking this just happens to women, but it can often happen to guys as well.  The reason for this isn’t so easy to figure out all the time either.  Here are few different reasons I’ve come across that keep people from “finishing”.  I’m sure there are more, but these are the most common in my book.

1.  Body image issues.  If you aren’t comfortable with yourself and your body, the chances of you having an orgasm go down.  The reason is anxiety over body issues keeps you from relaxing and enjoying the sexual experience.  Your brain is the number one sex organ.  If it is preoccupied with how you look, or what’s going to happen next, or wondering if your doing it right, then it can’t focus on feeling good in the moment and letting the body take over.  Hopefully you’re choosing to have sex with someone who cares about you and is attracted to you no matter what you look like naked.  Try to see yourself through their eyes and remember they chose to be in this moment with you.  Visualize yourself having sex without anxiety and being proud of who you are.  Then it may be easier to actually make that happen when you do have sex.

2.  Performance anxiety.  Again, this one is similar to the first one in that your insecurity is messing up your brain.  If you are over thinking every move you are making and wondering if the other person is having a good time, then you won’t be able to relax and enjoy the moment.  Sex isn’t rocket science, but everyone is different.  If you really want to please your partner, ask them what they enjoy.  They will hopefully be happy that you want to please them and you’ll have a better chance of getting it right.

Sometimes number two can happen when you’re having casual sex and don’t feel comfortable with the person.  My suggestion is to wait until you meet someone you care about and can let your guard down around.  Sometimes number two can happen when you are in a relationship with someone you really care about.  Casual sex may be easier for you because you don’t care as much about what the other person thinks.  My suggestion is to be open with your partner.  Let them know you are feeling a little intimidated.  Talking about it, even though it’s awkward, can help you feel more realistic about your expectations and lower your anxiety.

3.  Religious conflicts.  If you’ve been brought up in a very strict, religious environment it can be hard to let go of those messages later in life.  You may feel guilty over some of your sexual thoughts and having sex can bring on even worse guilt.  This can keep you from relaxing and connecting with your partner during sex.  It may help to talk over this conflict with your partner or a professional who can help you determine whether you want to let go of certain beliefs from your past or wait to have sex.  Some of those beliefs can be deeply imbedded and even if you feel like you’ve decided to be more liberal as an adult, it can be hard to get rid of the thought that you are doing something sinful.  Figuring out what you want to believe about sex before having sex can be very helpful.  If you are still not able to have an orgasm, seek out a professional that can teach you some thought replacement techniques.

4.  Emotional disconnection.  You may be having a hard time responding sexually to your partner because of past hurts that have destroyed your emotional connection.  Even guys can be turned off sexually when feelings are hurt too often in a relationship.  You may feel like you are pulling away mentally and emotionally, so it is hard to be connected physically during sex.  Do your best to repair the emotional damage.  Figure out if you can forgive this person for things that have happened in the past.  If you can’t, it may be time to leave the relationship.  You deserve to get the most out of a relationship and if you can’t connect to your partner during sex, it may be a sign that there are deeper issues to deal with.

5.  No physical attraction.  I’m not sure why you want to have sex with someone you don’t feel attracted to, but it happens.  You may be in this situation because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.  If the sexual spark isn’t there, you may not be able to cross the finish line.  This person should be your friend, not someone you are having sex with.  If you’ve tried and there isn’t success, then it is time to call a spade a spade.

6.  Too much internet pornography.  This one can happen if you get so used to using fantasy and visual images when you masturbate.  You can actually desensitize yourself sexually.  Which means you will need more and more visual stimulation to orgasm.  You may find that you can’t actually have an orgasm during sex without the help of pornography.  It can also increase your expectations of what sex should be like and the reality of sex with your partner may be somewhat of letdown.  If you think this is the problem, try to back yourself off from using pornography and masturbate less for awhile.  Try to visualize having sex with your partner and being able to cross that finish line.  This may help you reach orgasm with only the visual stimulation of your actual partner.

7.  Past abuse (sexual, physical or emotional).  Past abuse can really mess up your perspective on how you feel about yourself and how you feel about sex.  Abuse crosses boundaries and sex is the most sacred boundary you have.  Many people who have been abused either feel they have no boundaries and let everyone in or they put up too many to keep everyone away.  With sex this means you either let anyone and everyone take advantage of you, but you don’t open yourself up to receive any pleasure.  Or you don’t let anyone touch you and are afraid of being that vulnerable with anyone.  If you’ve been abused in the past and you know this affecting your current sex life (or you know you’re avoiding sex because of past abuse) it is recommended that you seek professional help to work though it.  You can move past it and not let it continue to take away from your present and your future happiness.  It isn’t easy, but it is certainly possible.

Sex is complicated.  It can be hard to be vulnerable enough to experience an orgasm with another person.  It happens to a lot of people and there are ways to fix it.  Be honest and open with yourself and then with your partner.  If you can’t talk about sex, then maybe that is sign that you shouldn’t be having it yet.  Be smart and be safe.  Always use protection and get tested for STD’s regularly!

One comment on “Not Making It To The Finish Line

  1. It’s true, there may be lots of psychological reasons why women do not orgasm (with or without partners), but let’s not overlook the obvious behavioral aspects; that is, women (especially younger women) are not taught how to orgasm. If women have not put in the time exploring their own bodies (yes, that’s right – masturbating) and figuring out, not only what feels good, but what it specifically takes to stimulate arousal and ultimately orgasm, it may not just happen naturally or easily. For some women, it may be all about clitoral stimulation; for others, it may take a combination of vaginal/clitoral or anal stimulation; for others it may require a particular fantasy to move from arousal to climax. Additionally for some women, it may take 20 minutes of repetitive stimulation, but for others it could be 5 minutes of a combination of stroking, touching, etc. Toys can help in this process. Learning to orgasm requires time, work, and patience (and it may sound crazy, but I’ve always thought there should be classes to teach this stuff because girls are so lacking in this kind of concrete information). If a woman can figure out how to have an orgasm on her own, she can then (theoretically) figure out how to have one with her partner (although, it can be hard for young women be assertive enough to teach their partners how “give them” an orgasm).

    Women and girls should also know that it’s okay to not have orgasms with their partners (and to not feel ashamed of this). We don’t have to share everything with our partners, despite how much pressure we may feel to do this. I say, work on your own sexuality first and then figure out what you want to bring to your relationship.

I would love to hear what you think about this post or about my blog in general. Also, feel free to leave any suggestions or ideas for new posts in the future! Thanks!

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