So…Are We Gonna Hook Up Or What?

Even though I listen to college students every day I still feel out of the loop when it comes to how students communicate with one another.  The terms students use to get someone to have sex with them are what confuse me the most.  Some students tell me that when someone asks them to hang out to watch movies it means the person wants them to come over and have sex.   Really?  Am I the only one who would assume you just want to hang out and watch a movie?  I guess I am getting old. So when I read this post by Isabel, a college student, I  had to reblog it because it makes me think about how with texting, the art of seduction has flown totally out the window.

“So…are we gonna hook-up or what?”

Ah, another poor soul lost to the epidemic I refer to as “The Death of Subtlety.” It was a fabulous time (read: three days) we spent together. He was good-looking, kinda funny, not too much of a d-bag…in other words, a total catch.  And then, as we lay in each other’s arms on the musty couch, he uttered that fateful question.  Sigh.  Is it too much to ask that an insignificant other be at least a little eloquent?

Apparently, the answer is yes, it is too much to ask.  And while I like to think I’m the only one that destiny thrusts into these terribly awkward situations, this is not the case.  Many of my peers, both guys and girls, have shared disaster stories involving their partners’ lack of tactfulness and vain attempts at trying to “get it in,” as the kids say nowadays.  (My personal favorite involves Paranormal Activity, a roommate gone for the weekend, and the statement, “You should give me a blowjob.”  Needless to say, nothing “got in” that night.)

So, in response to the fact that some people are not fluent in the language of subtlety, I’ve decided to compile a list of common phrases you might hear from these failed Don Juans…and how to respond.

1. “You should give me a blowjob/sleep with me/etc.”

I’m sorry, I don’t recall agreeing to an “awkward conversation for blowjobs” program. Why else should I do whatever you’re asking? By the way, definitely work on your conversational transitions.

Proper Response: You should retract that statement and try again.

2. “Hey…wanna make-out/hook-up/do something you’ll regret tomorrow?”

While better than the previous statement (they did give you the option to say no after all), this question ruins the moment and sends the awkward meter through the roof. Just touch my face or something and I’ll get the hint.

Proper Response: As charming as you are, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request. (Bonus: Pirates of the Caribbean reference! Dudes love that.)

3. “People tell me I’m really great at sex/going down/misc. other ‘activity’.’”

I’m glad you’re proud of your “skill.” But unless you provide a reference, I really don’t care about your previous experience. And let’s be honest, I like to delude myself into thinking that you’ve only ever hooked-up with me.

Proper Response: Were those people paid for their testimonials?

4. “You know, my roommate’s gone for the weekend and I’m feeling really lonely…”

Let me guess: there’s so much room for activities now! While that sounds like a riveting opportunity, your poor attempts at making me feel empathy for your loneliness are as laughable as Kim K.’s marriage (BAM! Pop culture smackdown).

Proper Response: Now we can make intense eye contact without your pesky roommate bothering us!

5. “What’s up?” or any variation of this phrase, sent in a text at 2 a.m.

We all know and tolerate those booty call texts that can range from a simple drunken “heeyyyy” to something like the one my roommate received last week: “Bang?” (She responded with “Sleep?” Conversation over.) I’m all for late-night hook-ups, but there has to be a better way of initiating them.

Proper Response: Depends if you’re into it or not. Answering with, “I wanna hold your hand so hard,” also works.

It is hard to shock me as a counselor.  I hear a lot of things.  So, I’m not shocked, but I do think texting has made trying to talk someone into having sex with you hit an all-time low.  It never ceases to amaze me what people will say to one another through a text.  Would you actually dial someone’s number and ask them these questions in person?  Maybe you are that bold.  However, if you are that bold, then I would suggest finding better ways to ask for what you want.  The sad thing is that some of these statements probably do work.

If you are going to ask me for my opinion, I would say you are worth more effort then what is written above.  You deserve to have someone work a little harder to have certain privileges with your body don’t you think?  Both men and women could work a little on their respect for themselves and one another.  I know in college there is a lot of pressure to have “the college experience” which means get drunk,  smoke weed and have sex.  You may also feel pretty lonely at times.  However, there is more to life and to college.  I still believe it should be a little bit harder for someone to get you naked.  Make them work a little bit to prove to you they are worth it.   You don’t have to settle for a hook up if you don’t want to.  From what I hear it is hardly ever worth the effort or even worth remembering.  Get some much needed sleep instead!  But hey, what do I know?

Don’t Drink & Text

Hooking Up