I love the show New Girl on FOX. Zooey Daschanel cracks me up as Jess. She is a very quirky teacher who lives with three guys. I’m a little behind on my DVR so I just watched the Valentine’s Day episode where Jess is feeling “twirly”. She wants to go out and have a one night stand because it is her first single Valentine’s Day in six years. Except everyone who knows her, knows she gets too attached to people.
Her friend C.C. reminds her that she doesn’t have one night stands because she is able to become emotionally attached to a shoe on the side of the road. Her roommate, Schmidt, and C.C. go with her to the bar because they don’t trust her to find an appropriate guy for a one night on her own. They stop her when she meets a guy and realizes they are both from Oregon. They remind her that she can’t have anything in common with the guy or she will become attached. She then ends up meeting Oliver. Oliver only talks about what he had for lunch, which turns out to be mostly tacos and Jess realizes she is totally bored. Her friends finally concede that she can have a one night stand with this guy because there is zero chance for attachment.
However, because it is a sitcom, Jess’ plan is foiled and she doesn’t end up having a one night stand. Although, she is prepared with a whole box of condoms. At least she isn’t stupid. It’s always better to be over prepared than under prepared right? The reason I liked this episode so much, besides it being hilarious, is the fact that we all are not made equally. I believe having a one night stand is harder for some people than others. Why?
Well our personalities are all a little different. Some people are born to take risks. Nothing seems to scare them. Other people are born more cautious. They take longer to make decisions because they don’t want to make a mistake. Some people are also more naturally sensitive and empathetic to others. They might be more like Jess and get attached pretty easily. I find you can push the limits on your personality a little bit, but it comes off very fake when you try to be someone you aren’t. Having casual sex may seem like it is easy for your friends, but you may question if it really right for you. This is a really good question. It is too easy to compare yourself to others and then try to be more like the person you think is
better, smarter, prettier, funnier or more interesting than you. Instead of trying to be themselves, a lot of people work hard to be more like a person they admire.
It is not a good idea to have a one night stand because it helped your friend get over a break up. Trust me, that doesn’t mean it will help you too!! However, if you feel you want to push your boundaries and like Jess, you feel a little “twirly”, then here are some suggestions to help you be more successful. By successful, I mean not get hurt or feel guilty the next day.
1. Know your intentions. Casual sex is one dimensional. If you need to prove something or are secretly hoping for more, stop right there. If you’re only trying to prove to yourself or someone else you can do this it will mostly likely leave feeling even more insecure. If you’re secretly wanting to date this person you are getting too up close and personal which is last thing you want in a one night stand. You will only feel hurt in the end.
2. Do not look past physical attraction. If you think the person is sweet, funny or even interesting it could get complicated very easily. You will most likely feel disappointed when it doesn’t get past the one night part. Jess’s friends are helping her when they encourage her to walk away from guys she may potentially become too attached to.
3. No cuddling. Cuddling starts to drift into the affectionate lane. This can cause emotions to develop at lightening speed. Cuddling is a sign that you possibly want more from this person. You don’t have to jump out of bed as soon as you “finish”, but you don’t want to linger too long either.
4. Don’t use someone. This means if you know this person has feelings for you, they are definitely NOT one night stand material. It may seem easy for you, but you will cause big problems for yourself very quickly. Don’t be selfish. Find someone who has no attachment to you!
5. Always Use Protection. You may not need a whole box of condoms to get you through the night, but definitely don’t leave home without being prepared. By definition this is not an exclusive relationship. You don’t know where this person has been, and you should never take the risk to believe they are clean.
Lastly, keep the communication open. Be honest about your expectations. Find someone who is on the same page before you engage in any removal of clothing. Also, be aware that this person may not be straight forward with you. You are taking a risk that they are single and unattached. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if their significant other walks in the room and starts World War III.
One night stands are a risk. Don’t try to sugar coat it any other way. Not everyone is cut out to live this lifestyle or even try it on for size just one time. Remember, the first rule is to know yourself and your intentions. Figure out what choices you want to make and then be confident about it. You don’t have to have casual sex because all your friends think it’s a great time. If you are someone who gets attached easily, then be realistic about the possibility of one night stands not being for you. You also don’t have to apologize if you are more of a risk taker and this is something you want to do. If you start to feel guilty, that is sign something is wrong and maybe you need to make some adjustments in the choices you are making. However, be aware of not taking on other people’s guilt.
College is about figuring out who you are and what you want. The hardest part about that is really separating your own voice from those you’ve grown up with and the people currently around you all the time. It is hard to think for yourself sometimes and not feel pressured to do things because someone else thinks it is a great idea. Be smart about your choices and make sure it is what you want before diving in. If you’ve been reading my blog awhile, you know I’m all about learning from mistakes. If you do decide to have a one night stand and it goes south, learn from it and move on instead of beating yourself up for the next three years.
College Life- Sex and Relationships 
Like your bllllllloooooooog. This is a good post. As someone who has had multiple one-night stands, though, I think it is a little overly cautious. Not physically. #5 goes without saying. I know this is targeted at women, but I think maybe you oversell the emotional attachment angle. Sex is a deeply emotional thing and if it doesn’t create attachment, a little post-coital cuddle isn’t going to push anyone over the edge into wanting to rush down the aisle and make babies with this person.
Also, I’m not entirely sure #2 is possible. My level of intellectual stimulation/enjoying a woman’s company is intimately tied up in my sexual attraction for them. Who knows though? If you, or any of your readers, can have a purely physical attraction to someone, and want to f*** them for that reason only, more power to them!
I love #1. I think it is important for all types of relationships, not just casual encounters.
Thanks for your comment! I really appreciate your feedback. I only give my opinion based on what I see in my office and from my own experiences. So, I can’t speak for everyone, but since I see a lot of people who struggle emotionally then you are correct that I probably over sell that angle. I like your insights though so thanks for sharing them!