Emotionally Abusive Relationships- Repost

It may be hard to believe, but both men and women can be in emotionally abusive relationships.  Why is that people stay in a relationship with an abusive person?  It is more complicated than you think.

First, most people don’t start out being emotionally abusive in a relationship, and it is hard to pinpoint the exact moment when the relationship started to become unhealthy.  Unfortunately after awhile it all becomes a big blur of fighting, screaming, name calling, sometimes even suicidal threats that then lead to a pattern of apologies and make up sex.

Usually when I hear about these type of relationships the abuse starts out very subtle.  Over the first few weeks your new boyfriend or girlfriend may appear charming, laid back and fun to be around.  You start to develop feelings for them.  Then one night they surprise you when they raise their voice over some small issue about not texting them back right away.  At this point you write it off as them having a bad day or being stressed over other things.  Soon you realize they are irritable more often than not.  They yell over little things and start to call you names in angry moments.  A warning bell goes off in your head, but they always seem so apologetic afterwards.  Plus, you realize you’ve already developed feelings so it seems easier to forgive and forget in those first few months.  Another excuse I hear a lot in the beginning of a relationship is that it only happens when they are drinking.  You tend to let it go because the next morning they are back to their normal self and don’t even remember they said something rude.

However, in time each fight makes the emotional abuse become worse and worse.  With each honeymoon period that follows, they tell you things will be different this time around.  You believe them because you think your love can conquer anything.  What is hard for people from the outside to understand is after being told you are stupid, ugly, and any other disrespectful word you can think of, instead of sticking up for yourself you start to doubt your own judgment.  The abuser has started to convince you that no one else would ever want to be with you.  They  can even convince you that you’re lucky to just be in their presence.  Many people who have been emotionally beaten down will do anything they possibly can to prove to their partner they are worthy of their love.   I know this sounds crazy, but emotional abuse does a number on a person’s self-esteem.  This is why some people use it because then it is easier to control the other person.

Some people have given their last dime to their abusive partner to make them happy.  They stop talking to people because their partner tells them to.  They will skip class to run an errand for them.  However, no matter what they do, it never seems to be enough.  They usually still make you feel like you are always too fat, too stupid, too needy, too slutty, too something.

Friends and family who are legitimately concerned about the person being emotionally abused may start to apply pressure to break up with the abuser.  This may sound logical and smart to someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship, but to those who are in it, the abuser still seems 50 feet tall and they still feel like they’re 6 inches.  They may logically agree with their friends and family, however they have become used to this dynamic and again don’t trust their own judgment.  The thought of breaking up can seem overwhelming like they are trying to conquer a giant.  They may not be ready to leave even though that solution seems obvious to others.

Being ready to leave is different than knowing you need to leave.  Leaving a relationship is a process.  If you’ve been controlled by someone for a long time it can seem impossible to actually think for yourself and even believe in yourself.  You may consider leaving for a long time before actually being able to go through with it.  Eventually, the relationship becomes so painful that you may finally have the guts to let go.  Most people have to leave a relationship on their own terms and in their own time.  It can be hard for friends and family to realize this.  I also want people to realize this type of abuse has long term affects.  Even after this person leaves the relationship, they still have a long way to go to recover their self-confidence.

After finally leaving an emotionally abusive relationship it can take months, sometimes years to feel yourself again.  An abusive person will strip away a lot of your strength and confidence.  Because you loved the person so much you do start to believe the way they do.  If you have actually adopted the belief that you are worthless piece of crap, realize that belief won’t change overnight.  Your relationship lasted months or years.  That is about how long you’ve been hearing these horrible things about yourself.  To turn that around is going to take about the same amount of time.  You may feel better sooner than later, but to fully recover your self-esteem will take some time.

I encourage students not to give up.  If you’ve been through this type of situation hopefully it has made you smarter and stronger.  You aren’t doomed to repeat the pattern.  Learn from the mistakes and next time you will recognize the red flags.  Talk about it with others.  The quickest way to reduce shame is to accept what happened and use it to help others.  It will help you to heal which keeps your abuser from stealing happiness from your future.  They took enough from your past, don’t let them take any more from you now.  So many people have been where you’ve been and are in healthy relationships today.  You’ll get there too, just give yourself some time.

Fear of Being Rejected

It’s not easy to put yourself out there.  Some people live to meet new people and have no fear going up and starting a conversation with a perfect stranger.  Other people struggle with their fear of rejection.  They are interested in new people around them, but it can be scary to start something with someone new.  Especially if you’ve recently gone through a bad break up or you’ve been single for awhile.

If you have fear, the only way to get over it is to face it.  Outgoing people will tell you they are less worried about how they feel and more concerned with making others feel good.  If your goal is go out and meet new people, try to take your focus off your fear and focus on making just one person you meet smile.  Realize that not everyone you meet is going to be interested in talking to you.  That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or with something you said.  Some people just won’t be in a good mood or be interested in any type of conversation.  Don’t let those people set you back.

Look for people who seem more open or friendly.  Dare yourself to give them a compliment.  Try to learn something from what they are wearing or how they are interacting with others.  Use your observation skills to give you something to start a conversation with.  If you’ve ever noticed, shoes will tell you a lot about a person.  Shoes can give you clues into hobbies someone has or what type of job they do.  Their shoes can tell you if they are more laid back or more stylish with fashion.  Their clothes will also give you other clues as well.  Finally, look at their face and their body language.  Do they gesture or show a lot of expression?  Or do they seem more closed off because their arms or crossed and their face seems blank?

Also, realize that you are giving off vibes as well.  What does your appearance say about you?  Non-verbal cues give off a lot of information to others to let them know if you are more open or closed to being approached.  Are you smiling and interacting with others?  Or are you sitting alone hunched over your drink at the bar?  You don’t have to be super fit and all GQ to get attention.  Your appearance does matter, but how you are projecting yourself to others matters even more.  You want to seem approachable instead of giving off a vibe that says, “Please leave me alone”.

It is okay to be nervous, but try to be aware if you are sending off desperation signals.  Sometimes you can try TOO hard and make the initial approach very awkward.  Remember to think positive and tell yourself positive things to keep your anxiety at bay.  Every person has great qualities, but not all people are aware or acknowledge their positive traits.  Try to focus on those qualities and realize you have a lot to offer other people.  When people get nervous they can focus too much on the negative and think of everything that can go wrong.  Instead, try to stop yourself from going down that path and try to be more positive about yourself and others around you.  Confidence will carry you a long way.

Even if you don’t feel all that confident, you can fake it a little until you get more comfortable initiating conversations.  Practicing will make it easier.  I often tell some of my shyer students to start conversations in less intimidating places.  For example, smile and ask how the gas station attendant’s day is going.  Talk to the cashier at Wal-Mart or the grocery store.  Go to places where you don’t know anyone and take a few risks without too much pressure.  The more you risk facing rejection, the easier it will become.  You will become used to the fact that not everyone responds positively, but that a lot of people will.

The key to remember is that you aren’t trying to make yourself feel better, you are trying to make someone else feel better that day.  Not every person you interact with has soul mate potential or even one night stand potential, but you never know when you may interact with the right person who ends up becoming someone significant in your life.  Just don’t give up and remember that nothing in life worth having is ever easy.

“Whether you think you can or you can’t- you are right”  Henry Ford

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”  Eleanor Roosevelt

“This time, like all times is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Fall seven times, stand up eight”  Japanese Proverb

Feeling Helpless

One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling helpless.  When you feel like you have no control over your life or the situation you’re in.  When someone you love wants to leave or break up with you.  It can leave you with this horrible feeling which can turn you to become someone you don’t even recognize.

I’ve met with many people who have been faced with feeling very helpless.  Nine times out of ten they react with an obsessive compulsion to regain some control.  I hear students tell me how they couldn’t stop themselves from texting their recent ex, or driving by their apartment or house, or stalking them on Facebook, or hacking into their email account.  Normal, kind, caring people can become self-absorbed, insecure, and very obsessive people when going through a situation that puts them out of control.

Especially when a boyfriend or girlfriend breaks things off.  You can have this overwhelming feeling that if you only explained how much you still love them, or asked them to give you another chance, or got them to see you ONE more time, then they would take you back with open arms.  You may think the only way to get them back is to fight for them.  In your mind, getting back together with you ex is the only way you can imagine ending your pain.  Other people may tell you to let it go and move on, but your brain can’t even comprehend that statement.  Even if your ex treated you like crap, if you loved them, then you want them back.

So, what can you do during this time when you feel so helpless?

1.  Do not obsessively contact your ex.    Trust me, this will not help your situation.  They are pulling back for a reason.  It may even be for a stupid reason.  However, if you continually bother your ex with texts, emails and Facebook messages, it is going to annoy them.  This is only going to push them away further.  Your instinct to choke hold them to you will only have the opposite effect.  After the break up, I suggest contacting them one time to let them know you still love them and want to get back together.  Also tell them you’re going to give them the space they asked for, and that your silence doesn’t mean you want the relationship to be over.  Say what you have to say, then leave it alone.  Give them time to think and possibly even miss you.  This way it isn’t like you’re giving up and just moving on, but you aren’t pissing them off either.

2.  Distract yourself.    Enlist the help of good friends and family to help you occupy your time.  They can listen to you and hug you when you cry.  They can take you out and help you to forget for a few hours that you feel so crappy.  They can also take your cell phone away or reset your passwords on your Facebook and email account so you can’t login without them.  They can help you avoid the urge to contact your ex.  It is hard to give up control.  However, it is the best way to get through those first really hard days and weeks.  If your ex has asked for space, then show them that you heard them by choosing not to contact them.  It may be exactly what your ex needs to want you back.  If they are just breaking up with you to get you to beg them to come back, then you aren’t giving them what they want.  If they are trying to manipulate you, distracting yourself from contacting them will be a way to stop it and you may find they come to find you sooner than later.

3.  Build back your confidence.   Break-ups have a way of reducing your self-confidence.  You can feel like you aren’t good enough or that something is wrong with you.  This is a good time to take an evaluation of yourself.  Did you mess up?  Did you do something you regret?  Since you can’t change the past, why not focus on the future?  What would you do different if you had the chance?  This way if your ex comes back, you’ll be able to tell them realistically what you would change and do differently.  This may help build trust back into the relationship.  Even if your ex doesn’t come back, you’ll be able to avoid making the same mistakes with someone new.  If you’ve evaluated yourself and feel like you didn’t do anything wrong in the relationship, then work to own that reality.  Don’t let your brain trick you into thinking, “If only I had…”   You can get caught up in tearing yourself down.  Sometimes there isn’t anything you could have done to save the relationship.  Remember all the positive things you have to offer to someone in a relationship.  Eventually one day you will be ready to find someone who will see those things in you.

4.  Focus on yourself.    I know I said break-ups have a way of making people self-absorbed.  There is a right and wrong way to focus on yourself.  You don’t want to talk to your friends for weeks about you’re ex and completely ignore the fact that your friend lost a job or just failed a major test.  Sometimes it even helps to get out of your own pain and listen to others.  Don’t ignore other things going on around you just because your life is upside down.  Some days it is okay to just focus on your own pain, but don’t let that go on for weeks at a time.  The right way to focus on yourself is to get back those things you may have lost in your relationship.  You may have spent a lot of time focusing on your ex when you were together or always helping them with their problems.  Now is the time to go back to things you enjoy doing.  Remember those hobbies or sports you used enjoy?  Find time to do those things again.  They will help you process your feelings of grief and get those pieces of yourself back.

There are a lot of positive things you can do when someone puts you in a situation that makes you feel helpless.  Remember that you can choose to give up control, even though it isn’t easy.  Doing what comes naturally isn’t always the smartest or best thing.  Fighting your instincts to chase your ex may end up getting exactly what you want a lot faster.  Even if it doesn’t, you’ll feel proud of yourself in the long run.

Do You Think My Ex Misses Me?

Do you ever wonder if your ex thinks about you?  If they broke up with you, you might assume that they are moving on pain-free.  If you were dating a heartless and selfish person, this may be true.  You may think they are being heartless and selfish, but most of the time there are good reasons for a break up.  It just can be hard to feel that way.  Trust me, your ex isn’t escaping without any pain.  They are probably still thinking about you more than you realize.

However, that unfortunately doesn’t mean they want to get back together with you.  So, why are they still thinking about you if they don’t want to be in a relationship any more?  The sad truth is that life is complicated.  In some cases your ex may have broken up with you because they were scared of how close you were becoming.  They weren’t ready for that type of commitment.  In those cases is really is about them and not you.  Fear is a powerful emotion that make people do irrational things.  This will make you want to reason with them, however you can’t reason with their fear or make them ready to face it either.  The more you push, the more they will dig their heels in and resist.  The best thing you can do is try to move on.  If they are running from you, the best thing to do is give them their space.  If they decide to conquer their fear of commitment or intimacy, they’ll come find you.  At that point you can decide if you want to give them another chance.

In other cases, your ex realized that something about the two of you wasn’t adding up.  Something was missing.  It isn’t because you aren’t good enough.  The rejection may make you feel this way, but the reality is that it is hard to find all the right connections in a relationship.  Sometimes you may connect really well emotionally, but be missing that sexual spark.  Other times you may have a really cool intellectual connection, but don’t have any recreational interests in common.  Different things are going to be more important to different people as well.  Some people can live without having a lot of common interests as long as their values are the same and the sexual spark is there.  However, not everyone feels or thinks the same.

Your ex may have needed more from a committed relationship.  There will be moments when they doubt their decision, but at the end of the day they know they need more than you are able to give.  That doesn’t mean they won’t miss the connections you did have whether it be your friendship, the sex or going to the movies with you.  It is just that the piece missing from your relationship was too important for them to give up.  I know this won’t help, but it isn’t your fault.  You have to be you.  Trying to be someone just to make your ex happy won’t work in the long run.  In time you’ll find that it is much better to be with someone you can be yourself around and know that it is enough.

Another case is your ex realizing you can’t make each other happy.  It is not about asking too much, it is about asking too much of this specific person you are with.   Your relationship may be good overall, but an underlying conflict keeps surfacing.  This can cause your ex to finally decide to move on.  For an example, it can be a problem if you are someone who values consistency, yet your boyfriend or girlfriend is someone who lives in the moment.  You may have a great sexual spark, be able to talk for hours, and enjoy spending time together, but if you make plans that your boyfriend or girlfriend always forgets or cancels the last minute, it can make things hard.  You may feel like they aren’t valuing your time and they feel like you are always lecturing them about it.  At the end of the day, some couples realize they won’t be able to compromise on an issue, and it tends to ruin everything else in the relationship.

Is it too much to ask for someone to be consistent?  No, but it may be too much to ask of your ex.  They may not be able to bend enough to make you happy.  It may bring them to the breaking point and they finally call it quits.  This will be painful for both of you.  Even though they broke up with you, they will still miss you.  They will have doubts.  This type of relationship may actually go through several break ups before it is finally over because there is a lot of good aspects.  Not to mention the relationships they developed with your friend’s and family.  It is usually not easy to follow through with a break up.  This is why your ex may end up texting you after a few weeks or still want to be friends.  It is painful on both sides.  However, one issue can become a major conflict.  If the resentment builds, it can be hard to overcome, and the overall happiness in the relationship dies.

The hardest part is convincing yourself not to beg.  You may want to text them and try to convince them why they were wrong to break up with you.  You may feel if they only knew how much you miss them and wanted them back, it would convince them to give you another chance.  You may want to convince them you can change.  What I know is this…begging and stalking never made anyone look good.  Try to fight your instinct to reach out to them to tell them one last time how much you still love them.  This will not make you more attractive in their eyes.  It may weaken their resolve momentarily.  You may get a conversation, a meeting, or even sex out of your efforts.  Remember, I’m telling you they do still miss you.  However, it won’t last and then you’ll be going through the pain of losing them all over again.

The point of this post is to remind you that you aren’t a loser.  Your ex didn’t break up with you because there is something wrong with you.  (If you did do something wrong, then work to fix that mistake whether they come back or not.  Some mistakes can’t be fixed within your relationship.  All you can do is hope to correct that mistake with someone else in the future.)  Most of the time there was something wrong BETWEEN the two of you.  That means there are things your ex will miss about you.  You may not be ready to think about finding someone else yet, but don’t bash yourself too hard while you’re grieving this break up.  The reason your ex broke up with you may not be an issue for someone else, so don’t go changing yourself for someone who has already closed the door in your face.  After you feel a little better, you will realize there are a lot of other open doors with people behind them who will be able to love you for you.

Being A Supportive Friend

When a friend is going through a break up or a hard time it can be hard to know what to say or do.  Most people mean well when they say certain things, but it can end up sounding more hurtful than helpful.  Here are a few statements that can really miss the mark:

1.  “It’s for the best”

2.  “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else”

3.  “Just try not to think about it”

4.  “He/she wasn’t good enough for you anyway”

5.  “Why would you want to stay with someone who did this to you?”

I know these sound good in theory, and most of them are probably true statements.  However, they don’t work because our emotions are stronger than our intellect during a breakup.  We know something in our head, but don’t feel it in our heart.  For example after watching a scary movie I KNOW there isn’t a serial killer in my shower, but I FEEL like there is because now I’m scared.  So, I pull back the shower curtain to double check.  My emotions win, not my mind.

The same thing happens during a break up.  Even if your friend KNOWS the breakup is for the best, they aren’t going to FEEL like it yet.  They still feel extremely hurt and upset.  It is hard for friends and family to watch someone they love be so sad.  Most people want to cheer someone up or just make them feel better.  The intentions are good, but only time will help your friend’s heart get on the same page with their brain.  Trust me, no one wants to get over this break up faster than your friend, but you can’t fast forward through time unfortunately.

So what can you do when your friend is still in love with someone and has been hurt?  Sometimes you just have to let your friend feel sad.  Things don’t always have to be “alright”.  They mostly need you to listen and give them a hug.   Yes, they will need to talk about it, and most of the time they will feel guilty about needing to talk about it so much.  Processing their feelings will help them.  They also need to cry.  It can be hard to watch someone cry, but being there during that time to offer emotional support without giving any suggestions will be valuable to them beyond belief.   Your friend can’t be rational at this point.  Let them know it is okay for them to be sad and again, give them a hug.

It may be helpful to remind them that it is healthy to balance a break up by feeling sad for awhile and then trying to find a distraction to give the brain and heart a little break.   Encourage your friend to vent, and then try to distract them by going out and doing something fun.  People going through a hard time need both time to feel the reality of the situation and time to pretend they’re fine and that everything is okay.

Remember, your friend didn’t choose to go through this break up.  Most likely it was forced upon them.  They still see good qualities in this person, and for an undefined widow of time they will jump to take this person back.  It is easier for you to see how this person has hurt your friend and to hold on to that anger.  Your friend will be irrational about the negative and want to cling to the positive things they miss about their ex.  It is hard to listen to, but realize they will start to get better with time.  Like I said earlier, break ups take time to get over.  Try to be patient.  If you feel they need to talk to a counselor because they are having trouble moving on, then encourage them to go.  It does help a lot of people to talk to someone who is a neutral to the situation and a counselor will keep what is said confidential.

The reality is that emotions can take a long time to heal and that is okay.  Also know that your friend can move forward and still feel sad at the same time.  They may start to move on and still feel “love” for their ex.  It is normal to go back and forth for awhile, like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.  Eventually their pain will lessen and finally their brain will kick into gear all those things you’ve been thinking from the beginning.  And if you say those phrases above months after the break up, they may finally hit the mark.

Facebook Stalking, Status Changing and Other Things That Drive Us Crazy!

You know how internet porn has made more people seem like they have a sex addiction?  Well social media sites make more people seem like they have obsessive compulsive disorder.  It is because it’s too easy.  You could fight the urge to warm up your car in zero degree weather to do a drive by your ex’s house at 2am, but it doesn’t take much to hit the Facebook app on your phone to creep on your ex’s page right?  Then you see a picture, a status change or a comment on someone’s page that makes you freak out.

Now it’s 2:20am and you don’t know what to do with yourself.  So you start texting your ex about the information on their Facebook page.  You may hesitate a few seconds before sending it because you don’t want them to know you were on their page in the middle of the night.  You fear they may delete you from their page which would be the worst torture imaginable, but the fear of not knowing for sure what is going on compels you to send the text to confront them about what you saw.  Then, you either don’t get a text back, which drives you crazy, or they text you back accusing you of stalking their page, which drives you crazy, or they make up some excuse that you don’t believe, which drives you crazy.  Great.  That makes you feel so much better and you can go get a good night’s sleep right?  Wrong, it makes you feel even more hurt and you continue to obsess even more about what they’re doing and who they’re with.

Never mind that you look to see what their FB status is every other minute.  Changing your relationship status can be a big deal.  According to the Journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, Facebook relationship status is something that many people take VERY seriously.  Did the put that we’re in a relationship yet?  Don’t they want everyone to know they’re in a relationship?  Why don’t they want anyone to know?  Did they change their relationship status back to single?  Does everyone know that we broke up?  They did change their status!  How dare they broadcast our business to everyone we know!! 

Is this really something to break up over?  Obviously, it can be and then you turn into the “Facebook Stalker” who continuously checks to see if that person gets into a “relationship” with someone else.

So, which comes first?  The OCD or Facebook?  I guess I believe when it comes to relationships most people have obsessive compulsive tendencies.  Most people’s emotions are heightened beyond their logic when they first get together and usually when they are in the middle of a break up or in the immediate post break up stage.  The logical part of your brain says, “Take things slow.  You don’t need to see or talk to this person all the time.  They don’t need to change their Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’ to prove they want to be with me”.  Your emotions tell you, “Text them now!  I miss them already even though they just left 5 minutes ago.  I want everyone to know we are together”!

It is the same with a break up.  You desperately want to stop thinking about them, but you can’t.  Your logical brain says, “Let it go.  You’ll be fine.  Delete them from your phone contacts and your Facebook page”.  Your emotions just can’t shut up though.  Unfortunately they speak louder and more insistently at the worst times.  They constantly ask questions like, “I wonder if they are over me?  I wonder what they are doing right now?  I wonder if we only talked one more time would we be able to work things out”?  These questions are evil and make people feel obsessive.  Especially if you are used to constant communication.  To go from that to nothing can drive the most rational person insane.

Now you add in the availability of Facebook.  To be able to look up people’s information without them knowing.  The ease of sending a text without really having to face that person.  What person isn’t going to act a little compulsive?  Not too many people are strong enough to resist the temptation to be a voyeur and see what their new crush or most recent ex is up to.  The curiosity gets the best of most of us.  Even so, most people do have boundaries.  Like I said earlier, you may not go to the extremes of warming up your car when it is freezing outside so you can drive across town to see if your ex is home or not.  It takes more effort and is easier to resist.  You then live with the anxiety and force yourself to go to sleep.  You wake up the next day and usually feel better.  With technology you can stalk people way too easily.  You don’t learn to live with the anxiety and you wake up the next day feeling like a creeper.

So, how do you stop the OCD with so much technology available?  I have had some students have a trusted friend change their password and not let them onto their Facebook page for a little while.  This is an extreme decision, but can be very helpful.  You also can deactivate your page.  It is easy to activate it again, however, it’s a step in the right direction.  Plus, it keeps your ex from stalking you for awhile.  Distract yourself with something else.  You can’t stop doing one thing unless you replace it with something else.  Write a blog about your frustrations.  Writing slows down your brain and stops your thoughts from running circles in your brain.  If you don’t want to write a blog, at least write your thoughts down on paper.  You can rip it up or burn it if you don’t want others to find it.

You may want to decide to delete the relationship status off your FB page and make people actually ask you about your life in person.  Some people break up because their new partner refuses to change or put up a relationship status.  Instead you might want to be grateful they don’t post every little thing about your relationship on their page.  Then if you really did break up you can trust they won’t slam you publicly.  If you are having trouble with texting your ex, try not to take your phone with you everywhere.  Turn it off at night and try to keep it in a drawer.  If you can’t seem to relax, look up guided imagery.  You can listen to the person’s voice and it can help you to relax.  They are easy to download and can get you through a very anxious moment.  You won’t have to do this forever, but for a couple weeks it will really help you to not follow through with the compulsion to say “hey, what’s up?” to your ex.

The reasons these things work is that eventually your brain does let go.  It learns it can live without texting this person again.  It can stand it if it doesn’t know what is happening in on their Facebook page.  After a few days or weeks it does become easier to resist these temptations.  The more you give into the obsessions, the harder it is to fight the compulsions.  The more you resist giving in and do other things to get yourself through that really rough time, the easier it will be to continue to resist the compulsions.  It won’t be easy, but it is possible.  The other option is to just creep along until time does it’s thing you eventually move on.  The choice is up to you.

Once you stalk the fun don’t stop

I Feel Too Fat To Date

I torture myself a lot by watching shows like 20/20, Dateline & 48 Hours Mystery.  I don’t know why, but they always suck me in.  Last Friday, 20/20 did a show on cosmetic surgery.  I try not to think about all the women and yes, men too, putting themselves through so much pain because they don’t like the way they look. However, the reality is that too many people pay big bucks to change some physical aspect of themselves to feel better.

I, of course, work with college students.  Many of whom would love to get cosmetic surgery but can’t afford it.  It is very sad to me that so many people hate so many things about themselves.  This week is also National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  Another issue that greatly affects a lot of college students.  Many students believe they don’t deserve to eat a dessert or any food at all because they already think they are too fat.  They only see the people who are thinner than they are instead of being aware of all the different shapes and sizes around them.  Where did these messages of hate start?

Unfortunately hating yourself has been going on for a while now.  Too often my students will tell me they watched their moms diet and heard their moms put themselves down for being fat.  Even if their moms didn’t focus their negative energy on their child, the message still gets sent.  Then there are the students whose parents did focus on their weight.  This is the hardest to overcome.  When you’ve been told by your parents all your life that you aren’t good enough, there is no easy road to believing you are beautiful just the way you are.

The battle to love yourself is hard enough.  Just think about how hard it is to then believe someone else could love you?  I have many students who either have random sex with anyone available because they don’t think they deserve better.  Or I have students who don’t date at all because of their extreme fear of being rejected for how much they weigh.

The key is to learn to love yourself.  However, when I see a show on 20/20 about all the beautiful actresses having all sorts of expensive procedures to look even more beautiful, how can I convince some young college student to love themselves just as they are?  I’m not blaming Hollywood or everyone’s parents.  I just think the messages young people receive today aren’t always the most positive.  Yet we expect them not to fall into the eating disorder or cosmetic surgery trap.

Where is it written that you have to be a size 0 to be attractive and get someone to like you?  I know my female students see other women in relationships that are not exactly smaller than they are.  However, they still mistakenly believe they don’t deserve love.  They aren’t good enough.  No one would find them attractive.  Their eyes tell them one thing, but their brain tells them another.  If they can’t afford to have cosmetic procedures done then often they resort to some sort of disordered eating to try to look better.

Yet how come I can’t find anyone who has an eating disorder that is happy?  How come you can lose 20 pounds, but it still isn’t good enough?  Trust me, if you want to find fault with yourself,  you’ll be able to.  I know a lot of people who think they will feel better once they are 115 pounds.  Only to get to that weight and still think their stomach or their butt is too big.  Happiness is not found in a certain size.  You may feel a little better, but if your brain is used to negatively picking yourself apart, it isn’t so easy to change.

What happens is that your brain can still trick your eyes.  You may look better but your brain will still find something wrong.  A lot of women who have lost weight and look good still “feel” fat.  This is why eating disorders are about more than becoming thin.  It is more often about being sensitive to other people around them and being overly concerned with meeting the expectations of those people.  You also don’t have to be in the middle of full-blown eating disorder to have some of these tendencies and ways of thinking.  A lot of students I see struggle with their body image and eating habits, but are not considered anorexic or bulimic.

Even if you don’t have an eating disorder, most people with low self-esteem and poor body image need to seek some sort of counseling to develop better self-confidence.  It can be hard to fix your self-esteem without help because of how the brain can trick you into thinking or feeling things that aren’t true.  Most people who work on their self-confidence also need to work through some issues from their past and learn the steps to fighting intrusive negative thoughts.  Some people have been struggling with their self-esteem for years, so just imagine how entrenched some of those negative thoughts and feelings are?  Don’t beat yourself up when you don’t feel better overnight. It takes time.

If your confidence is keeping you from getting into or staying in a relationship, don’t give up.  Self-confidence is a long process.  It’s a balance between learning to accept things about yourself and choosing some things to work on and change.  Not everything can and should be changed.  Learning to accept yourself is more than half the battle.  The other part is having the courage to change some things about yourself that are possible.  The biggest thing most people have to change is their thought process, not their weight amazing enough.  Although, this seems simple, it is a complex process and is like learning a new language.  It takes time and effort, but it is very worth it.

Eating disorders and body image issues are serious.  If you want to know more about eating disorders, please click on the links below.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

National Eating Disorders Association

Reach Out

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I Have to Wax What? Where?

Body hair…we all have it, but it seems like when women are getting ready for that first date or a special night out body hair is public enemy #1.  Why all the pressure to wax, tweeze and shave?  Since when are women supposed to be hairless on every part of their body?  Especially the parts that aren’t exposed?

I blame magazines like Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, as well as internet pornography.  The images of women are either airbrushed to look like the women have no body hair or the body hair has been ripped out in some form or fashion.  In order to wear some of the clothes, underwear or swimsuits, models often have to remove copious amounts of body hair.  Same for the women appearing in pornographic movies.  Although, to be fair, this happens to guy models and porn stars as well (see Steve Carell below).  I guess if I was going to be paid a lot of money to model, I’d sacrifice my body hair.  However, many women are paying lots of money to have this done even though they aren’t going on the next Swimsuit cover.  This has given both men and women the illusion that women either don’t or shouldn’t have body hair.

So, what’s a girl to do when she thinks she may be exposing any of those hairier body parts?  She makes an appointment for a wax or other type of painful hair removal.  Unfortunately, most women feel the pressure to look similar to the women on magazine covers.  A lot of young women are paying a lot of money for hair removal from their face, legs and even their arms.  They also pay a lot of money to remove hair from other more sensitive areas.  It is very, very painful, yet many women do it because they want to feel accepted.  They don’t want to be rejected by a guy who may be expecting what he has seen on magazine covers and on the internet.

Men also have pressure to wax or remove hair from their bodies as well.  It may not be as much as women but a lot of men feel their chest and especially their back should be free of hair.  If you’ve ever seen the 40 Year Old Virgin, then you’ve seen Steve Carell go through the process of waxing of his chest hair.  You know it isn’t a pretty procedure, yet guys feel they have to look a certain way to be accepted as well.

I obviously preach being yourself.  However, I’m very aware  of the pressures to fit in.  I’m not a big fan of pain, but I know what it is like to want to look good for someone else.   I really think it is up to you how far you want to go when it comes to personal hygiene.  I can’t say that removing all your body hair is wrong.  It may make you feel better about yourself.  If all that pain is really worth it to you, then go for it.  Just know that not all guys think having all your body hair waxed off is sexy.  Just like some women don’t mind a man with a hairy chest.

When it comes down to it, you fall in love with a person…body hair and all.  You may feel like you have to go the extra mile to impress someone at first, but hopefully you don’t have to go to such extreme lengths to keep them.  We are all human.  I think it is unrealistic to expect people to look and be perfect all the time.  It just isn’t possible.  I also don’t think it is healthy to compare yourself to this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models.  Comparisons usually leave people feeling bad about themselves.  Try to focus on all the great things you have to offer and try not to fight fate so much.  It may be worth it to learn to accept parts of yourself, body hair and all, instead of trying to change everything to imitate some unrealistic ideal.   If you want to imitate something, try watching young children just be themselves.  Remember how it was to not be so overly self conscious?  Work to get some of that back, because I think it would be great if we were all a little more like that!!

Fear of…Abandonment

I know you’re thinking, “Abandonment issues?  I don’t have abandonment issues”.  Some people may not even realize some of their decisions while in a relationship are influenced by a fear of abandonment.  Sometimes it’s very obvious.  Some people have been left by their mom, dad, or previous significant other.  They may still be dealing with that loss and be afraid of another in the future.  Other people may have an underlying fear of loss, but have no obvious reason for it.

You  may not realize how powerful fear can be in your life.  Many people will make huge adjustments in their every day life just avoid certain fears.  Fear of fat?  Will try to avoid eating and may exercise a lot.  Fear of heights?  Live in Illinois and will drive many miles to avoid flying.  Fear of getting older?  Pay lots of money for anti-aging creams and laser surgery.  We all have fears and some people choose to face them while others maneuver their lives around them.

In relationships, fear of abandonment has a strong pull.  Some people have an overt fear.  This means they do acknowledge they don’t like to be left and for good reason.  Their fear is real.  Someone they loved left them.  If that person was a parent or someone they depended on it can be very traumatic.  The brain will try to avoid repeating that experience at all costs.   Other people have a covert fear.  This means they make decisions based on their fears, but it isn’t always conscious or deliberate.  They haven’t thought it through far enough to acknowledge their decision is based on a fear.  They never have been left by someone they depended on, but their brain can imagine it happening in the future.  This causes them to do things in relationships whether they are aware of it or not.

So, how does this fear play out in a relationship?  It can look differently depending on the person.  If a person is a people pleaser, they usually will bend over backwards to make the other person happy.  They may take all the responsibility if things go wrong and do their best to make the relationship goes as smoothly as possible.  They will also be the first one to apologize so the fight will end.  If you try to leave they will chase you and beg you to stay.  They can appear very clingy and needy.  They may or may not be aware of their fear of abandonment that drives them to act this way.

If a person is more controlling type, they may try to coerce the person to do what they want.  This means telling the person what they want to hear to get their way.  They may also resort to threats to get a person to stay with them.  They trade a fear for a fear.  They will try to make you afraid to leave them so they don’t have to face their fear.  Usually this type of person can come across as very jealous and insecure.  You may not have given them a reason to be jealous, but their fear influences their thinking.  They may have an irrational fear of you leaving which pushes them to believe you could be cheating or wanting to date someone else.   If you do get tired of being accused of something you aren’t doing, you may actually try to leave.  At this point, they will turn on the charm and beg you to come back.

Of course, life isn’t this black and white and not every situation can be explained so easily.  Usually, people are motivated by several feelings, not just one.  The fear of abandonment is usually just one feeling that is influencing different decisions within the relationship.  It is hard to simplify all the dynamics that go into a relationship.  However, the fear of abandonment can do a lot of damage unless it is addressed.  Like I pointed out earlier, some people will be open about this fear and freely admit they are too clingy or too controlling depending on their personality.  Other people have no insight into why they are acting the way they are.  All they know is that they get pulled into this cycle.  Logically they know they should leave the relationship or let the other person go when they try to leave, but a force inside of them pushes them to do things to try to stay in the relationship.

This is another reason break ups can be so messy and sometimes drag out for a long time.  When those fears kick in, they are very powerful.  They have a huge influence on your decisions.  No one likes to feel anxiety.  If you can find a way to reduce that anxiety, you’ll use it.  Facing the fear actually increases the anxiety at first, which is why it takes so much effort to fight it.

Facing the fear is the only way to conquer it.  It is the only way you can achieve a healthy relationship.   Leaving an unhealthy relationship usually requires an extreme amount of emotional effort, but in the end it is worth it.  Don’t give up.  Your fears are strong, but I also know you are stronger if you only believe in yourself.  Don’t let what happened in your past take away from the happiness in your future.  You can make a positive change.  You can’t control other people and what they are going to do, but you can control your fears and how they influence your life.   Good luck!!

I Wish I Had A Magic Wand To Get Over A Break Up

It is a very hard time of year to go through a break up.  It isn’t easy to adjust to being alone and the holidays can drive that knife in a little deeper.  There have been many times I’ve wished for a magic wand to fast forward students through time.  Wouldn’t it be so nice if was May right now and all the leaves were back on the trees and this break up was in your past?

Trust me, I know how you feel.  Time does help, but it goes by so slow when you’re in pain.  Think about it.  How long does five seconds feel when you have your hand on a hot burner?  Way too long for me.  However, five seconds flies by when you’re kissing someone you love.  If you are going through a break up it can seem like your life has just screeched to halt and everyone else is going along on their merry way.

Since I don’t have a magic wand, I do my best to be there for those going through a painful time.  If you have a friend going through a break up, it can make you feel helpless to watch them go through this kind of pain.  There isn’t anything you can do to make their pain go away.  However, sometimes there are a few simple things you can do that are helpful.   I find that most of the time, just listening is the best thing  you can do.  There isn’t much you can say that will make them feel better.  Telling them to forget about it or that they’ll find someone else someday usually falls flat.  Try to keep your words to a minimum and give them a big hug instead.  Just sitting there while they cry is a huge help, even though it may feel like you aren’t doing anything at all.

Other times, there may be more you can do.  It is great to be there for them while they cry, but it is also good to sometimes try to distract them as well.  If you know they’ve been crying for a few hours or even a few days, it may be good to shake things up a bit.  Try to get your friend out to the mall or to a movie for a little distraction from their pain.  Entertaining them for a few hours can be a huge help as well.  I don’t see this as telling them to forget about the break up, but as a way to remind them there are other things to think about and do.  It helps the brain to have a mini break from processing all the feelings.  However, it isn’t good to take such a long vacation from the feelings so that denial starts to set in.

Another piece of advice for people out there helping friends and family through a break up.  Don’t expect your friend to cut off all communication with their ex.  A break up is a process.  Sometimes a very long one.  You will end up pushing your friend away if you try to guilt them into not talking to their ex.  I know you mean well, but you can make your friend feel worse not better.  They aren’t in a rational place, so trying to rationalize with them isn’t going to work.  Try to be supportive even when they make mistakes.  They are already beating themselves up for being weak, they don’t need you to add to the beat down as well.  If they ask for your help in trying to stay away from their ex, by all means step in.  If they aren’t asking, try to do your best to bite your tongue even though its killing you to see them possibly get hurt even more.

I hope if you are going through a break up, you have great friends out there who are doing their best to be supportive and helpful.  No one is perfect, so go easy on your friends when they say the wrong thing.  Their heart is in the right place.  Also, realize that your friends just want you to feel better.  They don’t want to see you get hurt again.  Sometimes it is best to take some alone time to cry in your pillow or while your holding your favorite pet.  Write your feelings down.  It can slow down your thoughts and help you get some of those crappy feelings out of your head without having to burden your friends.  Go somewhere away from everyone and scream your head off, jump up and down until some of the rage is released.  Art and music are other ways to help you process pain in ways that isn’t hurtful to you or others.

There is no way to make time go by faster.  I don’t have a magic wand.  However, before you know it, spring will be here.  Then summer.  You will be able to look back on this time and know you survived it and are stronger, smarter and hopefully happier as well.  We all have black holes of time in our past that we are glad are behind us.  This too will be one of those black holes.  Just be thankful they they do pass and be assured that you can get through it.  If December 2011 is horrible for you, hopefully December 2012 has something a lot better in store.  Keep your head up, the future will be here before you know it!