Loneliness is really hard. College is all about making connections. During a break-up you feel very disconnected. A big hole has just been put into your social calendar. Your friends are used you to being with your boyfriend or girlfriend so they have been hanging around the perimeter of your life. You would like someone new to take center stage but you can’t just replace a person you love that easily. In the meantime you feel very alone.
So the days and weeks drag on. You have been crying and talking about it to anyone who will listen. You feel guilty being so sad around your friends who just want you to cheer up. It seems like no matter what you do, the pain isn’t going away. You think about the good times you had with this person and it is hard to concentrate on anything else. The end of the semester is coming and you don’t even care about papers and final tests coming up. You miss this person so much, even though your mind says they don’t deserve it.
What can I say? There isn’t much that can be said. That is the hard part. There is no magic trick that will make the pain go away. It has to run its course and there is no rhyme or reason to how long that will take. I can’t scientifically prove it, but I do know from experience that expressing the pain will help you heal faster. For some people, that means talking to someone, a friend, a family member, a teacher, a coach or a counselor. Some people express themselves in writing. You can write in a journal or write letters that you burn or rip up later. Some people express themselves with art. They draw, paint or sculpt their feelings. Other people create music. They play an instrument, sing or write music. I don’t know why just thinking about your pain doesn’t seem to help process it. For some reason, you actually have to express it in some way for it to help you move on.
A lot of people tell me that listening to music, dancing, or working out is a form of therapy. I agree that doing those things as well as expressing your feelings will help you feel better. Distracting yourself at times is also helpful. Going out with friends and pretending everything is fine for a few hours can help your mind get that much needed break. Then you go back to expressing those feelings in some way again. Crying is helpful in another way as well. It has been proven that tears of emotion carry toxins. When you cry because you are sad, happy, angry or upset you release toxins from your body. When your eye waters from allergies or wind your tears do not have these toxic chemicals in them. It is healthy then to cry when you are sad. I know it makes you feel worse at first because of the headache and puffy eyes, but in the long run you are helping yourself heal.
Also, don’t expect to just “get over it” in a couple of weeks. Depending on how attached you were to this person it could take months. Not that you will feel the same amount of pain every moment of every day for months. Thank God right? However, you may have moments of intense pain weeks or months after the break up. This is NORMAL!!! It takes time for it all to come out. There may be days you think about this person years from now and have a twinge of pain. Anytime you let someone into your heart it is going to hurt when they leave. We all take this risk when we start to have feelings for someone. It is the way the human heart works. There is no certainty in relationships. This person can leave you or die. To love a lot means you may have to face being hurt a lot. If you get the high, you will probably get the low at some point. As a person who becomes attached to others quickly it seems unfair that I may feel more pain than others. I have also realized that I also feel joy sooner and more often than others too. You are in the worst part of love.
The only other option is to not get attached or develop feelings for people. You can go through your life kinda numb or disconnected. This isn’t exactly exciting and can be pretty lonely. However, a lot less pain will be involved at certain times in your life. So you can decide. I believe that love is worth the pain that comes with it. Just listen to the radio or look at a lot of great art. That creativity came from pain. Remember that pain won’t kill you, it just feels like it sometimes. This time will pass and you will be happy once again. Then someone else will look at you and be jealous. What goes around, comes around. In the meantime, do what you can to deal with the pain and someday soon I hope you will find peace and happiness again.
You definitely have some very good comments. Here’s one for you… so my son’s father and I broke up about a year and a half ago. We both, definitely still care for each other very much. We still hang out, we still do family time, we are still best friends. Sometimes I wonder if it is just me thinking there is still something there, but I know it isn’t just me. It’s clear as day. But, we have both decided it’s not the time for us to be together. I am struggling because I’m annoyed that I am still so much in love with him. He has a girlfriend, but keeps her at a very good distance from him..haha (good for me, not for her)… I have managed to show support of his relationship with her, even though it’s so hard! To be a friend of his while still loving him is difficult as all hell! I wonder if I’d be able to move on if we weren’t still so close, ya know? I feel like I should distance myself from him, for my own benefit. BUT, then, I know I would hate it, our son would be upset, and our family wouldn’t be as close. So, I’ve continued to be his best friend even though I cannot stand that we are not getting back together anytime soon…if ever. Is this stupid for me to be doing this? I tend to follow my heart, but my heart can be silly…often. hahaha
Thanks so much for your openness. Stupid you are definitely not. I think in divorce/separation issues where kids are involved it makes it that much harder to move on. If you are wanting the best for your child you want to keep the peace even if that makes it harder on you, I think that is somewhat selfless. Even though you may feel a little selfish because you want that closeness too. In time you will know if it becomes too painful to carry on like this. At that point hopefully you can have a conversation with your son’s father to let him know the boundaries may have to shift between you and him but somehow not make things worse for your son. It can be managed, but definitely not easy because we all have weak moments. If there is no contact it does help the heart move forward faster, but you don’t have that option. Just pray for courage and wisdom to make the right decisions. At this point you and your son come first, your son’s father’s feelings come last, remember that when making decisions.