I’ve been watching “Say Yes to the Dress” this summer while I’m off of work. One thing I love about working in a university is that I’m off when the students are. So, I decided to take a spin on that title and write a post today about being open to sexual adventure. If you watch the show you know that a lot of different types of women come in to buy wedding dresses. Some women know what they want and are very confident. Other women are self-conscious and very critical of themselves. I find this also happens a lot with sex. Maybe you are the adventurous and confident type already. You may not even need to be in a trusting long-term relationship to say yes to sexual adventure. However, there are many people out there who are not confident at all about their body or trying something out of their comfort zone. Here are some tips for those of you who aren’t super confident or adventurous…yet!
1. As they say on the show, “Keep an open mind and trust your dress consultant”. I say, “Be confident and trust your partner”. I have met students who don’t feel very good about themselves. They often wonder what their boyfriend or girlfriend sees in them. They don’t trust when other people tell them that they look good. If you’ve recently lost weight you could still be seeing a bigger person in the mirror even though you now look great. So, when it comes time to take off your clothes you still feel very self-conscious. I have had both men and women say they only have sex with all the lights off and never let their partner really see them naked. First, if this person loves you, you need to trust they will love you even when you’re naked. Second, if you are having casual sex then it really won’t matter what that person thinks if you don’t ever plan to see them again. Take a chance and have sex with the lights on. Men are visual creatures. Most men admit that seeing their partner naked is a turn-on. Confidence is also a huge turn-on. I’ve had guys report that they would rather their girlfriend gain a few pounds and walk around naked in front of them than to lose a few pounds and still hide their body. You have to believe that the other person wants you and be confident enough to show what God gave you.
2. “Don’t get locked into one silhouette”, or what I refer to as, “Don’t get locked into one way of having sex”. I’ve heard some people say they only have sex in one position. They have taboos about other positions or trying something different. Sex is about exploration and finding what feels good to you and your partner. You won’t know what works best unless you’re willing to try new things. If you try something and you don’t like it, then be willing to share that with your partner. You still have the right to say no if something doesn’t feel good to you. If you think sex is best only when done in missionary position then you are missing out on other ways to please yourself and your partner. Some students report having issues with certain sexual acts because of past abuse. They may feel locked into certain ways of doing things because it feels safe. It is okay to share that with your partner and explain why you may not being willing to try certain things in the bedroom. After you’ve built up some trust and confidence in the relationship and in yourself, you may want to try new things when you’re ready. Be open and communicate with your partner about what you want, and be open to your partner’s needs as well as your own.
3. “Don’t bring a big entourage”, or what I refer to as, “Don’t bring all your friends and family into your sex life”. Too many opinions can be a bad thing. Don’t get caught up in what your friends are doing with their partners and start comparing yourself with them. Many students tell me they feel they have to do certain things because they hear about their friends doing it. You don’t have to do anything just because someone else is trying it. You also don’t have to feel forced to share about your sex life with everyone else. I suggest you be very selective about what you share and with whom you share it. Sex seems to be everywhere in the media, but that doesn’t mean you have to share all your private moments with everyone around you. Sex isn’t a spectator sport. You may feel more willing to try new things if you don’t think your partner is going to give a play by play report to their five best friends. It helps to be more adventurous if you trust your partner to keep it just between the two of you.
4. “Know your budget and don’t try on dresses you can’t afford”, or what I refer to as, “Be safe and don’t have sex without protection”. I’m all for trying new things and being adventurous, but remember to be as safe as possible. Most students still don’t realize they can get an STI from oral sex. You still need to use a condom or a dental dam when engaging in oral sex. Unless you and your partner are monogamous and have been tested after six months of being monogamous, you need to continue to use a condom every time you have sex. Don’t get so caught up in the moment that you forget the bottom line. Getting pregnant in college is a very hard thing to face. It’s also no fun to find out you’ve contracted an STI, especially if it is an incurable one. So go ahead and get your freak on, but be smart while doing it so you won’t have regrets later.
5. “Trust your gut”, or what I refer to as, “Trust your gut”. You will know when to push yourself and when to pull back. Continue to work on your confidence and believe in yourself. Sometimes you can’t think about sex too much, you just have to dive in and see what happens. Don’t analyze what you look like in a certain position or if you are doing right. Everyone gets an A for effort in the bedroom and your partner will be happy that you are into pleasing them as much as yourself. The point is to have fun and let go of inhibitions. Remember, to be truly sexy you just have to think about the other person more than yourself when your naked.