Why don’t you love ME??

Are you the person who dates someone, falls in love, only to have that person leave and fall in love with someone else right after they broke up with you?  I was reading another blog post (Live Love Learn Breathe) and I really resonated with what the blogger said in her post.  I’ve quoted her below…

“From my first “real” boyfriend back in 7th grade to the love of my life from college, and all of those in between that I may have crushed on once before (or vice versa), their current status makes me feel that I am a mandatory stepping stone on his way to finding love.  In other words I am not the one for him, but one he must ’experience’ before finding the one who is.  And when he makes her his, I’m left behind with a bruised heart and the never-ending question, What is it about me that he couldn’t love?”  I met a great guy about a year ago.  He was the first great guy I had met in a while.  I thought there was potential, and believed he thought the same.  But as always, I had it all wrong.  He stopped writing; he stopped caring.  I was confused as to what caused this, but learned that he met someone else.  And now, that someone is his fiancée.  In thinking about him, and the connection we had, I cannot help but wonder, why her and not me?”

I can relate to this very well myself, and I know a lot of the students I’ve met with have felt the same way.  It is hard not to question yourself and wonder if there is something you’re doing that makes you unlovable.  The truth is that it’s really hard to find someone you connect with that connects with you in the same way at the same time.  Sometimes, the timing is just off.  Sometimes you meet someone too soon and they aren’t ready for a commitment.  They haven’t grown up yet or they have some unresolved issues that unfortunately resolve themselves after they break up with you.  This has nothing to do with you, but it’s hard not to feel rejected anyway.

Other times, it’s the chemistry.  No matter what you do or how perfect you are, it isn’t going to work.  Chemistry is more than just physical attraction.  It is a complicated dynamic between two people.  You feel the chemistry but for some reason they feel it more with someone else.  This doesn’t mean you are the ugliest, most boring, unintelligent person on the planet.  Like I said, its complicated and some of us don’t have the good luck to find the love of our life the first time around…or even the 5th time around.  However, there is no denying that it really sucks when you break up with  someone and find out a few months later that person found love and it wasn’t with you.

So, you may wonder when your good luck is going to kick in right?  If only we all had crystal balls.  Life would be a lot less stressful.  I look back now and tell myself, “If I knew at 20 I wasn’t going to get married until I was 36, I would have just relaxed and and enjoyed myself.  I wouldn’t have wasted so much time being anxious and sad about being single.”  It is the unknown that is scary, but unfortunately life doesn’t give us clarity and foresight.  We all have to fumble through it.  Just try not to be jealous of the high school sweethearts that are getting married in their early 20’s and having babies before 30.  It happens for some, but not for most.  It may seem like life would be simpler if we could all meet someone when we are still in high school, but those couples have to go through a lot of growing pains together that other couples who meet in their late 20’s or early 30’s don’t have to deal with.  Lets just say I learned a lot of what NOT to do while dating when I was younger.  Not that my relationship now is perfect, but I certainly have improved my communication and relationship skills, and my husband is benefiting from it.

It does hurt to know that someone fell in love, but it just wasn’t with you.  It is hard to be confident and self assured that your time will come.  All I know is that waiting can make you stronger and wiser.  Take this time to learn how to be more independent and confident.  Focus on your friends and family while you still have the time and energy (before you have an all consuming relationship and then later your own family).  Volunteer to help others and engage in hobbies or activities that you really enjoy.  Maybe you’ll end up meeting someone who you really do have an awesome chemistry with.  Focus on school or work and take time for yourself.  If you find there are things you want to improve on, this is the time.  I encourage people to focus on what they can control in the moment.  You may not be able to control having someone fall in love with you, but you can still control  A LOT of things about your life in the meantime.

It is okay to have moments, sometimes days or weeks of sadness.  You may feel lonely at times.  It isn’t fun, but be assured that you can handle it.  This time will pass and eventually you’ll find a great person and hopefully have a great relationship in the future.  Try not to compare yourself to the couples you see on campus all the time.  Trust me, there are a lot of single people walking around you too, all feeling the same way.  You aren’t alone.  And believe me, there really isn’t anything wrong with you!!  Don’t give up on yourself.  Remember, it’s a big world out there and you have plenty of time to find true love.

2 comments on “Why don’t you love ME??

  1. Great idea for a post!

    I would add, however, that when someone notices a pattern in their relationships, that it really might be about them. It it were me, I would wonder, might I attract guys/men who tend to leave for someone “better?” or what am I doing that is contributing to this pattern in my life (for example, am I pushing people away somehow or attracting people who are wrong for me)? If I honestly think I have been the perfect girl-friend and I have simply been a victim of circumstances, then I am deluding myself. From a psycho-dynamic perspective, it may be that this kind of person attracts people who end up reinforcing how she/he really feels about herself/himself (on an unconscious level). Deep down, this kind of person likely feels, “not good enough” and is playing out some old abandonment script.

    It may not be wise to suggest that it could be about just “waiting it out” until you find your true love (“true love” like “soul mates” is a questionable construct). This kind of person needs to do some serious self-examination (rather than looking outside at the guys who have left or for more objective reasons) and repair her early wounds. Because if any of us is waiting around for someone to fall in love with us to make us feel validated, we have it all backwards.

    • Very true…thanks for your words of wisdom and insight! I do believe sometimes people are doing things either consciously or unconsciously to cause people to leave them for someone else. If that is the case, it is good to get that insight and start to make positive changes. Sometimes it feels like its ALL your fault, and I usually assure people that it isn’t always the case. Sometimes it just is a matter of wrong person or wrong timing.

I would love to hear what you think about this post or about my blog in general. Also, feel free to leave any suggestions or ideas for new posts in the future! Thanks!

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