Emotionally Abusive Relationships- Repost

It may be hard to believe, but both men and women can be in emotionally abusive relationships.  Why is that people stay in a relationship with an abusive person?  It is more complicated than you think.

First, most people don’t start out being emotionally abusive in a relationship, and it is hard to pinpoint the exact moment when the relationship started to become unhealthy.  Unfortunately after awhile it all becomes a big blur of fighting, screaming, name calling, sometimes even suicidal threats that then lead to a pattern of apologies and make up sex.

Usually when I hear about these type of relationships the abuse starts out very subtle.  Over the first few weeks your new boyfriend or girlfriend may appear charming, laid back and fun to be around.  You start to develop feelings for them.  Then one night they surprise you when they raise their voice over some small issue about not texting them back right away.  At this point you write it off as them having a bad day or being stressed over other things.  Soon you realize they are irritable more often than not.  They yell over little things and start to call you names in angry moments.  A warning bell goes off in your head, but they always seem so apologetic afterwards.  Plus, you realize you’ve already developed feelings so it seems easier to forgive and forget in those first few months.  Another excuse I hear a lot in the beginning of a relationship is that it only happens when they are drinking.  You tend to let it go because the next morning they are back to their normal self and don’t even remember they said something rude.

However, in time each fight makes the emotional abuse become worse and worse.  With each honeymoon period that follows, they tell you things will be different this time around.  You believe them because you think your love can conquer anything.  What is hard for people from the outside to understand is after being told you are stupid, ugly, and any other disrespectful word you can think of, instead of sticking up for yourself you start to doubt your own judgment.  The abuser has started to convince you that no one else would ever want to be with you.  They  can even convince you that you’re lucky to just be in their presence.  Many people who have been emotionally beaten down will do anything they possibly can to prove to their partner they are worthy of their love.   I know this sounds crazy, but emotional abuse does a number on a person’s self-esteem.  This is why some people use it because then it is easier to control the other person.

Some people have given their last dime to their abusive partner to make them happy.  They stop talking to people because their partner tells them to.  They will skip class to run an errand for them.  However, no matter what they do, it never seems to be enough.  They usually still make you feel like you are always too fat, too stupid, too needy, too slutty, too something.

Friends and family who are legitimately concerned about the person being emotionally abused may start to apply pressure to break up with the abuser.  This may sound logical and smart to someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship, but to those who are in it, the abuser still seems 50 feet tall and they still feel like they’re 6 inches.  They may logically agree with their friends and family, however they have become used to this dynamic and again don’t trust their own judgment.  The thought of breaking up can seem overwhelming like they are trying to conquer a giant.  They may not be ready to leave even though that solution seems obvious to others.

Being ready to leave is different than knowing you need to leave.  Leaving a relationship is a process.  If you’ve been controlled by someone for a long time it can seem impossible to actually think for yourself and even believe in yourself.  You may consider leaving for a long time before actually being able to go through with it.  Eventually, the relationship becomes so painful that you may finally have the guts to let go.  Most people have to leave a relationship on their own terms and in their own time.  It can be hard for friends and family to realize this.  I also want people to realize this type of abuse has long term affects.  Even after this person leaves the relationship, they still have a long way to go to recover their self-confidence.

After finally leaving an emotionally abusive relationship it can take months, sometimes years to feel yourself again.  An abusive person will strip away a lot of your strength and confidence.  Because you loved the person so much you do start to believe the way they do.  If you have actually adopted the belief that you are worthless piece of crap, realize that belief won’t change overnight.  Your relationship lasted months or years.  That is about how long you’ve been hearing these horrible things about yourself.  To turn that around is going to take about the same amount of time.  You may feel better sooner than later, but to fully recover your self-esteem will take some time.

I encourage students not to give up.  If you’ve been through this type of situation hopefully it has made you smarter and stronger.  You aren’t doomed to repeat the pattern.  Learn from the mistakes and next time you will recognize the red flags.  Talk about it with others.  The quickest way to reduce shame is to accept what happened and use it to help others.  It will help you to heal which keeps your abuser from stealing happiness from your future.  They took enough from your past, don’t let them take any more from you now.  So many people have been where you’ve been and are in healthy relationships today.  You’ll get there too, just give yourself some time.

Hello, Anger

The blog Simply Solo: Single Girl Starting Over has been on my blogroll for over a year.  Catherine writes about her life starting over after she cancels her wedding to her fiancé.  This post was written over a year ago, but I when I read it, I knew I wanted to share it here.  A break up causes people to feel a lot of emotions.  Anger would be one of them.  We all would like to think we are mature and get through things without being overly emotional.  However, I’ve been counseling people long enough to know that nothing brings out your emotions more than conflict in a relationship or a loss of a relationship.  Please read below her honest moment of anger after her break up.

I’ve felt so proud of myself this whole time, smug really. I’ve never really gotten angry at my ex. Even after all the lies and the complete disrespect he showed for what we had and our pending nuptials, I didn’t get angry with him. There were moments here and there when I lashed out, maybe threw my engagement ring or memorabilia box at him, but there was never a time where I felt disgust or hate for him. I always felt sorry for him. Why? Well, because he lost me. (Duh – Obviously.) I always thought I was the bigger person, wishing him well, trying to forgive. I was unwilling to hold serious ill will for the man who I almost married, even though he had ripped my heart into a million little pieces.

We’ve all heard about the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. According to Wikipedia, “It’s important to note that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Not everyone who experiences a life-changing event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in the order that is written.”

I definitely went through denial, where for weeks after we cancelled the wedding, my ex fiancé and I pretty much acted as though we were still a couple and that nothing had happened, well except for the fact there were moving boxes everywhere and we were sleeping in different rooms. I went through the depression several times this year as well. And I’ve always been bargaining with myself, telling myself that if I find someone better, then this will all be worth it. If something good comes out of this breakup, like the blog or a writing career, then I will be happy. I guess I’d always thought I had glossed over the anger stage. Maybe I didn’t get angry, I thought, because I was the bigger person. (Now you know what I mean when I said I was smug?)

I believed that I had finally reached the Holy Grail: acceptance.

Somehow, this picture is exactly how I feel. Photo courtesy of psycholabs

Well ladies and gentlemen, I’m here. A year and two months later, I’m angry. Correction: I’m pissed. I’m aware it’s a little late. It’s not like you can yell and scream at someone who broke your heart more than a year ago.

Maybe now is a good time to tell you the runner-up for the title of this blog post, which is:

I Knew You Would Move On … But Did It Have To Be With Her?

I saw my ex a few weeks ago. When I saw him, he mentioned that he was seeing someone off and on, a few times a month. At first, this didn’t bother me at all. I had moved on too – hell, I was blogging about it.

You could say I was feeling all healed and warm with acceptance. Sure, a few thoughts of, “I wonder if she’s prettier than me?” and “Is he happier with her than me?” crossed my mind. The minute I started to picture him and this unnamed woman together, frolicking in the meadow, in love, her wearing my engagement ring, I had to completely shut the whole thing out of my mind. But these feelings are normal, right?

So, I did what any unhealed person who thinks they are healed does – I went on his Facebook page to see if I could tell who he was dating. I know, mature. I’ve never claimed to be perfectly balanced.

And there it was, staring me right in the face. His high school sweetheart, let’s call her Christina, or Tina for short, had posted a love song on his page. Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum. Gag me.

Some history is in order. Tina and my ex fiancé dated while they were in high school. It was some epic love story where her parents broke them up because they wanted her to marry a preacher. Tina and my ex fiancé break up, she marries a preacher and lives in a faraway land, where they have two children and live happily ever after.

For years, I felt a little insecure about Tina. I felt like my ex still had a thing for her, but don’t we all have a thing for our first love? I’ve admitted before that I have some trust issues/baggage, but ultimately, I trusted him when he told me had zero interest in her. She was married, to a preacher of all people, he told me. She had children, and he would never want to be with someone who already had children. And, she was not attractive anymore – motherhood had not done her well.

Even when my ex fiance’s brother married Tina’s sister (I know this is getting complicated, I should draw a flow chart), I wasn’t concerned. I mean, I was just a few months away from my own wedding to the man of my dreams.

And then my world crumbled around me. I found out my ex was not the man he pretended to be. Toward the very end, he gave me a password for his cell phone account. He was trying to earn my trust back, and I asked him, “Am I going to find any more lies when I look at this account?” He assured me I wouldn’t. So, I went through his cell phone records, only to find that he’d been texting with Tina daily behind my back for about eight months, all the while deleting any evidence of these conversations from his phone.

“Seriously? Tina? Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to Tina behind my back? You knew I would find this on your phone bills. You gave me the password!” I asked him incredulously.

“I don’t even know how to tell you the truth anymore. I’ve been lying for so long, I simply can’t be honest with you,” was his response. Well if that doesn’t make me want to marry you, I don’t know what does.

He and Tina both swore that these conversations were innocent. She was a married woman, after all. They were simply catching up and talking about how crazy it was that her sister ultimately married his brother. And don’t you know that takes eight months to talk about? Tina admitted she hadn’t told her husband she was back in touch with my ex fiancé, but that was because it was innocent. “If it is innocent, why would you keep it a secret from your husband?” I asked. She didn’t have a good answer.

When I ended the relationship with my ex, the Tina stuff barely had anything to do with it. It was just the tip of the ugly, deceitful, heartbreaking iceberg.

A few weeks ago, when I saw the love song on my ex’s page, posted by none other than Tina, I almost threw up. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I felt so deceived, so hurt, so … consumed with anger.

It turns out that after my ex fiancé and I called off the wedding, Tina and her husband got divorced. How friggin’ convenient. And now they are seeing each other. There’s a constant “Really With Seth and Amy?!” SNL skit running through my head:

Really? You ended up with the girl you always said you wouldn’t? Really?!

Really? She ended her relationship with a PREACHER for a liar like you? Really?!

Really? You guys were rekindling your love for EIGHT MONTHS while you were days from marrying me? Really?!

Really? You couldn’t tell me that you were dating Tina, when you STOOD IN MY HOUSE and told me you were seeing someone “off and on.” Really?!

Really?! She fell for your BS? She thinks you have changed? Or maybe you haven’t told her the whole truth about what you did to me – and who you really are. Really?!

I’m so incredibly angry, in a way that isn’t mature, healthy or attractive. Angry at him, angry at her, angry at the situation, angry at myself for even being angry. Jesus, I was supposed to be over this. Now was the time for acceptance! Damn it – I was the bigger person! Why am I letting him continue to have this power over me? Why am I now, a year after everything happened, finally feeling the anger and resentment for everything he did to me – not just this?

I can’t stop thinking – why was he marrying me in the first place? If he was texting with her for eight months before our wedding, and then the minute we break up, she divorces her husband for him, why did he put me through this past year? Why did he even propose in the first place?

I knew he would move on. But did it have to be with her?

Hello, anger.

**Part of me hesitated to post this for a few reasons. Clearly it’s unflattering. I know he’s allowed to move on, with anyone he wants to move on with. And at the end of the day, I can see through the anger that I do want him to be happy. (Who can blame me if I wanted to be happy first?) I’m fully aware that I need to get over it. And I know that I will get over it. This is just another reminder of how lucky I am that I got out of this relationship before the wedding. And, I’m afraid I give him some power by showing him this bothers me. But you know what? I said I’d be honest here. I’m sharing my journey. And this is part of my journey – no matter how unpleasant or unattractive. And I know that some of you have been through something similar. So, I warily press “Publish” this morning, and look forward to your comments.**

Update: Shortly after posting this morning, my ex called me. Which is interesting considering he claims not to read the blog anymore. He was upset that I wrote about this, and wanted to make it clear that nothing ever happened with him and her while we were together. He asked me to take this post down, saying it was a lie. Well, he’s right about one thing. I have no idea what happened with them. It absolutely could have all been very innocent. To be honest, I hope that is the truth. That would be far more in line with the man I thought I was marrying. I’m just here writing about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I know that the anger will pass, and I will get over this. But I do not wish ill will on Tina or my ex. What I’m concerned about is me, and my healing process. And posting honestly on this blog is part of that. My intention is never to use this blog as a weapon to hurt anyone. I think the people that have been reading for the past year know that to be true.

Oh, No! I’m Pregnant…Repost

I wrote this post a year and a half ago, but thought it was worth repeating.  I’m reposting it for those who don’t go back into my archives…

How stressful is it to find out you’re pregnant when you weren’t expecting it?  Let’s face it, having a baby wasn’t exactly in your 4 year college plan.  So what do you do?  First, if you are in a relationship, talk to your boyfriend.  This can be a very difficult conversation.  The first emotion most people feel is denial.  Don’t feel hurt if he is hoping that maybe the pregnancy test was wrong.  He isn’t rejecting you, his brain is just in freak out, no this can’t be happening mode.  If you’ve had a few hours or days to digest this, it will take that amount of time for him to catch up with you.  His first reaction may be to consider abortion.  This too, is common.  The first instincts aren’t always the smartest.  There is a lot to discuss and consider.

You both have to think about whether you want to tell family members.  If you have a supportive family it may help you to decide what to do.  If you don’t, you may want to decide what you are going to do before telling your families.  Or you may decide not to tell them at all.  Without outside family support, it is very hard for two college students to raise a baby on their own.  It has and can be done, but not without major sacrifice.  Even with a lot of family support, keeping the baby requires giving up a lot of things.  It may require one or both of you to have to drop out of school either temporarily or permanently.  When you aren’t expecting to have to make these types of decisions, it can be very overwhelming.

However, the pregnancy has a way of marching on.  You can’t NOT decide when it comes to being pregnant.  The baby can only stay in the womb for so long.  If you decide to have the baby, whether you keep it or not, you will need proper prenatal care.  Then you have a few months to decide whether you want to give the baby up for adoption or keep it.  There are many places that help women with the adoption process.  You may consider an open adoption where you still get to be a part of the baby’s life or a closed adoption where you give up all rights and no information is released to the adoptive parents.

If you decide to have an abortion, your timeline shrinks.  In order to take the abortion pill, you need to make up your mind within 9 weeks of pregnancy.  Some women don’t find out they’re pregnant until they are 6-8 weeks along.  After 9 weeks you will need to have an in-clinic abortion.  One type of in-clinic abortion is aspiration or vacuum aspiration.  This type is used up until the 16th week of pregnancy.  After 16 weeks another type of in-clinic abortion is used which is called dilation and evacuation.  Pain and cramping is involved with all types of abortion procedures.

No matter what you decide this is a life changing decision.  You and your boyfriend will never be the same.  That is why using birth control is so important.  If you both feel the same way, making the decision together can bring you closer no matter what you decide to do.  It is when you disagree on the decision that stress adds up exponentially in the relationship.  Both women and men have come in for counseling because their partner pushed them into a decision they didn’t agree with.  A lot of resentment, guilt and anger can build up in this case.  Making this decision is hard enough without also having to go against your values.  Please seek out other people to consult with if you and your partner can’t agree on what to do about the baby.

Also be prepared for psychological stress after you go through with your decision.  If you decide to have an abortion, it may be hard to mentally deal with this after the fact.  The same is true with adoption.  Many people have reported that they go through a grief process afterwards.  Don’t be too hard on yourself if you feel sad or upset.  It is normal to feel this way.  If you have unresolved anger, guilt or resentment towards yourself or your partner, please seek some kind of counseling to help you resolve those feelings.  Also, if you find out you’re pregnant and you aren’t in a relationship, seek the advice of someone close to you that you trust.  This will help you talk through your options.  Have that person there with you if you decide to get an abortion, see a doctor for a check-up, or see an adoption specialist.  It is not recommended that you make every decision and do everything on your own.  That is a huge weight to carry and it helps to share the load with at least one trusted person to help you get through it.

If you do find out you or your girlfriend is pregnant there are many resources that can help you with your decision.  A few a listed below.

Planned Parenthood

Adoption

Pregnancy Options

Is Facebook and Texting Changing College Relationships?

 

This is accurate for about 90% of the relationships I see on Facebook.

You see a couple–cute, attractive and madly in love. Then jealousy and frustration start knocking on the front door, trying to remind you that your current status is single.

Flash forward a couple of months, or even more, you still see the couple together in more pictures. You start to feel a little helpless that you have been so caught up with work and school to find someone for you.

Then the seemingly inevitable happens.

You notice one or the other post a status saying they want to go out and party, or any of the clear Facebook ‘recently single’ indicators.

The cute couple you loved to hate has now broken up and you are happy that they are single and a little sad too. Maybe you lost hope that it could actually work out for you in the future.

The truth is, you can find someone, and it will work out. The bad news is we are all playing in a completely different ball park with new rules that didn’t exist a few years ago. Facebook has overhauled the social experience and along with it has changed the dynamics of relationships.

The relationship dynamics have changed before, you just have to adapt. The fact that you married someone out of love really isn’t that old of a concept. Giving the daughter to another man used to be almost a business deal, where then he would provide the bride’s father with money and security for the rest of their lives. Those traditions are even still practiced in countries like China and India. So be thankful you aren’t just part of your dad’s business deal.

But you are part of this technology driven relationship shift. So how will this change the way we date?

You now have ways to cheat and flirt that are one poke away. Easily flirting with others increases tension, doubt, jealousy, in relationships where one person thinks they have a promiscuous partner.

We no longer deal with just avoiding the possible partner who might flirt with anyone they meet in a bar. We now have to worry and almost test the person we are interested in from the beginning to see whether they are a tech/text whore or not.  Now if you find someone who is constantly getting text you have to wonder if that is something that would bother you or not. Some people don’t mind, and others really care if they are hanging out with someone they like and they get text from new guys or new girls every time you see them.

It seems like cheating is only one text away, and the fact that you are not in person or physically talking to those who you might cheat with, won’t feel as wrong. Maybe they will think, “It’s only one little flirty text, not like I’m there in person” or, “It’s just a Facebook message/poke”. But we all know– one thing leads to another and if you find yourself creeping over the line closer to a full blown cheat-fest.

So how do you deal with the changing times?

Well, there is obviously no one size fits all solution, but there are ways you can protect the relationship dynamics that will greatly increase your chances to avoid these situations.

 1.       First, you have to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t prone to the kind of behavior you don’t like (what a concept). If you are consistently falling for the type of person who cheats, you probably need to take a step back and look at the kind of people you’re going for. Make sure you go for a guy or girl who is actually trusting and doesn’t have the social butterfly persona or long list of ex girlfriends/boyfriends. Maybe you should think about the way you met and ask yourself if it was the right way to meet someone you would want to be with. If you met the person in a party while they were dating someone else, then don’t be surprised if they are in a party while you’re together and it happens again, only this time you’re the person who isn’t in on the secret. Be smart and stick to your check list.

2.      Create an understanding of what you expect from each other. It is simple, if you are starting to move past the talking stage of a relationship and see yourselves getting more serious, you need to have a talk about what you want in a relationship. You need to listen to what they expect too, it’s not only about you. Make sure you time this right. You don’t want to be making some ground rules when you barely started to talk.

3.      Look for red flags. If you find a trait or something they do or have done as a deal breaker when you’re getting to know them, then you need to cut the cord. People do not change. Especially don’t at the stubborn age of college. The sooner you understand that the sooner you can abandon ship before it sinks.

4.      Be ready to commit. Do not jump into a relationship because you are lonely. Finding someone to fill an empty gap is completely different than finding someone who you are compatible with. You will find someone much more suitable for you when you start to look with a clear mind that isn’t desperate or fogged with hope.

College is a time when you need to focus on yourself and your future. Being in a relationship with the wrong person can seriously damage your chances of accomplishing important things that can help your career. Relationships are a lot of volatility you can’t control. Being very involved and doing well in school will set you up with a job that may not be in the same state where you went to college, going to study abroad will help you see the world, and having a relationship with someone who might move far away for their dream job is an awful situation you can avoid. You might feel like you are the most mature and responsible person, and I’m sure you felt like that three years ago, but you are still changing and maturing.

There is a time and place to be in a healthy relationship and jumping into one now with so much at stake and all the technology that influences college relationships can be risky. Make sure you think twice before jumping so you don’t fall, on your face.

Click to read more from Living the College Life

Trust and Confidence In Relationships

Are you “stalking” your boyfriend or girlfriend on Facebook?  Waiting for them to put their iPhone down so you can check their texts??  Confidence is something I find lacking in a lot of people I’ve met.  Especially in relationships.  People are always second guessing their decisions or wondering what the other person is thinking.  I hear a lot about Facebook status.  I have students who will tell me what their boyfriend or girlfriend’s status is and ask me what I think that means.  Facebook and technology in general are great, but they also can have a negative impact on people’s confidence.

Often I have people who talk about who their boyfriend or girlfriend are “friends” with on Facebook.  Every post is analyzed to see if that person is interested in someone else.  It takes a lot of energy to stalk the internet and be a creeper on people’s Facebook pages.  It might be better to use your energy to improve your confidence or deal with the trust issues you may have.

There are a couple of reasons it is hard to trust.  One, because you may not believe in yourself.  I know people who think they aren’t good enough and are afraid their boyfriend or girlfriend will leave them.  It  causes people to over analyze every interaction their boyfriend or girlfriend has with the opposite sex.  Two, you may have been betrayed in the past.  If someone’s ex cheated on them, it is going to be hard to trust in the next relationship.  It also adds to feeling not good enough.  Three, your boyfriend or girlfriend could be making another person more of a priority in their lives.  This is a gray area, but sometimes opposite sex friendships can cross boundaries.    If a boundary is being crossed, it could lead you to feel less trusting.

The truth is that you are good enough.  In a relationship you only control 50%.  That is the risk of getting involved with someone else.  You could get hurt!  If you want to avoid being hurt, stay single.  All you can control is being the best person you can be in the relationship.  Being close to perfect won’t guarantee that person won’t leave, cheat, or in rare cases, die.  It could happen even you are the best girlfriend or boyfriend ever.   But YOU are the only person in the relationship YOU can control.  If you treat that person well and give them all the love you have, then they would be an idiot to lose you.  If someone doesn’t want to be with you, let them leave so you can be free to find someone who does.  Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t really want to be with you.  The rejection does suck, but when you know you have put your heart and soul into the relationship, you can be confident that you weren’t the one with the problem.  Sometimes you find people who can’t commit, find it easy to lie, or haven’t grown up yet.  It is hard to live and learn, but I find every relationship experience we have teaches us something.  I am a wiser person for being hurt a few times.  Those mistakes then lead me to the right person.

It is hard to trust.  The only alternative to not trusting is to control someone.  Controlling someone usually makes that person resent you and want to spend even less time with you.  If you are feeling insecure in your relationship be careful that you aren’t becoming controlling.  It will only ruin your relationship and you will lose the person you are trying so hard to keep.  The more trust you have in someone, the less control you must have.   If your boyfriend or girlfriend has broken your trust, you have a couple of choices.  You break up with them or you forgive them and find ways to repair the trust.  Most people will give someone another chance, but they don’t forgive and they don’t work on repairing the trust.  This leads to a controlling relationship.

Is it worth the effort??  If the person is truly sorry, they will find ways to prove to you they are now an honest person.  If they aren’t truly sorry, it will happen again and you will have another choice to make.  Just remember, if someone cheats on you or lies to you, that doesn’t mean you are the problem.  If you think you are part of the problem, find someone who can help you work on the things you want to change.  Otherwise, be confident and move on!

Fear of Being Rejected

It’s not easy to put yourself out there.  Some people live to meet new people and have no fear going up and starting a conversation with a perfect stranger.  Other people struggle with their fear of rejection.  They are interested in new people around them, but it can be scary to start something with someone new.  Especially if you’ve recently gone through a bad break up or you’ve been single for awhile.

If you have fear, the only way to get over it is to face it.  Outgoing people will tell you they are less worried about how they feel and more concerned with making others feel good.  If your goal is go out and meet new people, try to take your focus off your fear and focus on making just one person you meet smile.  Realize that not everyone you meet is going to be interested in talking to you.  That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or with something you said.  Some people just won’t be in a good mood or be interested in any type of conversation.  Don’t let those people set you back.

Look for people who seem more open or friendly.  Dare yourself to give them a compliment.  Try to learn something from what they are wearing or how they are interacting with others.  Use your observation skills to give you something to start a conversation with.  If you’ve ever noticed, shoes will tell you a lot about a person.  Shoes can give you clues into hobbies someone has or what type of job they do.  Their shoes can tell you if they are more laid back or more stylish with fashion.  Their clothes will also give you other clues as well.  Finally, look at their face and their body language.  Do they gesture or show a lot of expression?  Or do they seem more closed off because their arms or crossed and their face seems blank?

Also, realize that you are giving off vibes as well.  What does your appearance say about you?  Non-verbal cues give off a lot of information to others to let them know if you are more open or closed to being approached.  Are you smiling and interacting with others?  Or are you sitting alone hunched over your drink at the bar?  You don’t have to be super fit and all GQ to get attention.  Your appearance does matter, but how you are projecting yourself to others matters even more.  You want to seem approachable instead of giving off a vibe that says, “Please leave me alone”.

It is okay to be nervous, but try to be aware if you are sending off desperation signals.  Sometimes you can try TOO hard and make the initial approach very awkward.  Remember to think positive and tell yourself positive things to keep your anxiety at bay.  Every person has great qualities, but not all people are aware or acknowledge their positive traits.  Try to focus on those qualities and realize you have a lot to offer other people.  When people get nervous they can focus too much on the negative and think of everything that can go wrong.  Instead, try to stop yourself from going down that path and try to be more positive about yourself and others around you.  Confidence will carry you a long way.

Even if you don’t feel all that confident, you can fake it a little until you get more comfortable initiating conversations.  Practicing will make it easier.  I often tell some of my shyer students to start conversations in less intimidating places.  For example, smile and ask how the gas station attendant’s day is going.  Talk to the cashier at Wal-Mart or the grocery store.  Go to places where you don’t know anyone and take a few risks without too much pressure.  The more you risk facing rejection, the easier it will become.  You will become used to the fact that not everyone responds positively, but that a lot of people will.

The key to remember is that you aren’t trying to make yourself feel better, you are trying to make someone else feel better that day.  Not every person you interact with has soul mate potential or even one night stand potential, but you never know when you may interact with the right person who ends up becoming someone significant in your life.  Just don’t give up and remember that nothing in life worth having is ever easy.

“Whether you think you can or you can’t- you are right”  Henry Ford

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”  Eleanor Roosevelt

“This time, like all times is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Fall seven times, stand up eight”  Japanese Proverb

Sex or Smartphone??

Saw this survey by TeleNav and had to share it here on my blog:

Results of a recent national survey* commissioned by TeleNav, Inc. (NASDAQ: TNAV) indicate that Americans are willing to give up some of life’s greatest pleasures in order to hang on to their mobile phones.  Not surprisingly, smartphone users were more attached to their devices than were feature phone users, with iPhone users leading the pack.  In fact, iPhone users were more likely than their Android or BlackBerry counterparts to spend a week without their significant other, exercise or shoes—rather than go a week without their phone.

While 22 percent of all respondents said they would rather give up their toothbrush than their phone for a week, this number jumped to a whopping 40 percent among iPhone users.  Halitosis and other priority quirks aside, 83 percent of iPhone users thought other iPhone users would make the best romantic partners.

Even among feature phone users, however, TeleNav’s survey showed respondents’ strong attachment to their mobile phones. Nearly half of all respondents said they sleep with their phone next to them, including 38 percent of feature phone users and 66 percent of smartphone users.

From differences between iPhone, Android, and BlackBerry users to the snap judgments people make based on the type of phone someone carries, TeleNav’s latest survey sheds light on just how important mobile phones have become in Americans’ lives.

How willing are you . . .

Life is full of simple pleasures, so having to choose between one of those many pleasures—such as coffee, caffeine or even sex—and your mobile phone can be difficult.

• One-third of all respondents would be more willing to give up sex for a week than their mobile phone.
  • Of the respondents who indicated they would be more willing to give up sex than their mobile phone for a week, 70% were women.
• 54% of all respondents would be more willing to give up exercise for a week than their mobile phone.
• So what about our guilty pleasures? 55% of respondents would be more willing to give up caffeine for a week than their mobile phone, 63% would be more willing to give up chocolate, and 70% would be willing to forego alcohol.
• One in five respondents are more willing to go shoeless than phoneless for a week.
  • iPhone users (43%) were more likely to say they’d go a week without shoes than Android users (27%) or BlackBerry users (25%).

Smartphone vs. Feature Phone

As more Americans jump on the smartphone bandwagon, results of TeleNav’s survey indicate that a person’s choice in phones may impact some of their daily behaviors.

• It appears the phones we choose may also reflect our manners, as 26% of smartphone users admitted to using their phone frequently at the dinner table, compared with just 6% of feature phone users.
• Some couples may find themselves saying it’s either me or the phone.  22% of smartphone users said they’d rather go a week without seeing their significant other than to have to forfeit their phone compared to just 14% of feature phone users.
• How do we value our phones over other technologies? Smartphone owners were twice as likely as feature phone users to choose their phone over their laptop/computer.
• Smartphone users were three times more likely to admit that they judge people based on the type of phone they carry.

OS Showdown

Survey results suggest that not only does the type of phone a person uses reflect the choices they make, but also the smartphone operating system they choose.

• iPhone users were twice as likely than Android users to have spent more than $40 on apps for their current phone.
• Nearly half of Android users said their phone reflects their overall sense of style—more than iPhone users (35%). 43% of BlackBerry users felt their phones reflected their overall sense of style.
• While a strong majority of iPhone users (83%) thought other iPhone users would make the best romantic partners, and a strong majority of Android users (70%) selected other Android users, only 48% of BlackBerry users thought other BlackBerry users would make for the best romantic partners.

* The survey sample consisted of 514 U.S. mobile phone users (254 male/260 female) of driving age.

   Responses were collected between July 15 and July 19, 2011.

Additional Survey Findings

• Smartphone users were twice as likely as feature phone users to give up hot showers rather than their phone for one week.
• 68% of iPhone users and 65% of Android users would rather go a week without exercise than without a phone. BlackBerry users were more fitness-conscious, though nearly half still said they’d forego exercise.
• 31% of smartphone users said they check their phone for messages or email while at the movies; only 7% of feature phones admitted to doing the same.
• More than a third of iPhone users said they frequently use their phone at the dinner table compared to 21% of Android users and 15% of BlackBerry users.
• 18% of smartphone users have ended a relationship via some of today’s newest technologies including voice mail, text message, email, Facebook update or Twitter post, compared with just 7% of feature phone users.
• Smartphone users were twice as likely as feature phone users to say they’d rather give up television for a week than their phone.
• Smartphone users were much more likely (42%) than feature phone users (15%) to say their phone reflects their overall sense of style.
• 45% of iPhone and Android users have used their phones to watch videos, compared with just 20% of BlackBerry users.

Rape Crisis on Campus

I found this article on the Chronicle for Higher Education and thought I’d share it here on my blog….

Amherst College tries to answer outrage, avoid tokenism, and engage everybody in a discussion of ‘sexual respect’

By Sara Lipka

The harrowing account of rape and disregard that has consumed Amherst College for two weeks isn’t going away—and nobody there seems to want it to. But in fact, the story of Angie Epifano published in the student newspaper didn’t start a dialogue about sexual violence on the Massachusetts campus: It took an evolving discussion and accelerated it.

That’s uncomfortable but crucial, says Carolyn A. (Biddy) Martin, president of Amherst, who has praised Ms. Epifano’s courage. “All of this has created an opening,” Ms. Martin says, “for which I am very grateful.”

It’s an unusual response for the president of a campus in crisis. “Many universities, when news breaks, tend to dismiss it or make token efforts,” says Laura Dunn, a survivor of sexual assault and advocate of security in higher education. The approach of letting a controversy pass and moving on is disappointing, say Ms. Dunn and other advocates impressed by Amherst’s apparent resolve. But to confront outrage, and to engage and satisfy various constituencies, will require sustained effort.

As on many campuses, concerns about sexual misconduct had long loomed at Amherst. Last spring a fraternity promoted an annual event with a T-shirt depicting a nearly naked woman, bound at the wrists and ankles, roasting over a fire. A student frustrated with what she saw as the college’s inadequate response wrote on a campus blog in early October: “This is what sexism and misogyny look like at a so-called progressive, elite, liberal arts institution in 2012.”

A few days later, Ms. Martin, a scholar of German studies and gender theory, sent an e-mail to all students. Since arriving at Amherst last fall, she said, she had heard concerns about sexual misconduct and respect. She outlined some progress, committed to more, and asked for help, inviting students to an open conversation that Sunday evening. The following Wednesday, The Amherst Student printed Ms. Epifano’s account of why, feeling unsupported, she ultimately had withdrawn from the college.

“I reached a dangerously low point, and, in my despondency, began going to the campus’ sexual assault counselor,” Ms. Epifano wrote. “In short I was told: No you can’t change dorms, there are too many students right now. Pressing charges would be useless, he’s about to graduate, there’s not much we can do. Are you SURE it was rape?”

Pledges or Platitudes

Web traffic crashed the newspaper’s site. Personal stories of students and alumni poured out in online posts and e-mails to Ms. Martin. “This wasn’t just something that had happened to Angie,” says Brianda Reyes, editor in chief of The Amherst Student.

The college responded fast and forcefully—Ms. Martin, in a statement issued the next day. “Clearly, the administration’s responses to reports have left survivors feeling that they were badly served,” she said. “That must change, and change immediately.” Two days later, the Board of Trustees pledged “all necessary resources.”

But students were wary of such statements, Ms. Reyes says. “Everybody was reading them and saying, ‘Are they just saying this so we don’t riot, or are they saying it because they truly mean it?’” It’s hard to persuade a group leery of platitudes.

Amherst officials resolved to be direct, not defensive. “What encourages people to come forward,” says Ms. Martin, “is the acknowledgment that there are problems.” Maybe students have troubling tales to tell, or maybe they are misinformed on colleges’ obligations under antidiscrimination law. The president says she still wants to hear them.

The college has held a series of open meetings, not only for all students, but also for first-year students, staff, faculty, and parents visiting for family weekend. But while the opportunity to share experiences and opinions is vital, Ms. Martin says, it’s insufficient.

The president, a newcomer off a rocky tenure at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, has to prove that she is listening. At one meeting, students set ground rules: two minutes per speaker, with a timekeeper, a role the president declined. When everybody had spoken, she took time to summarize their recommendations.

On a new Web page dedicated to “sexual respect,” Amherst details actions taken and planned, with checkboxes. Now, for instance, students sit on the college’s Title IX committee, named for the federal gender-equity law; its Sexual Respect Task Force; and a new body, formed on Wednesday, to take stock of the campus culture and recommend improvements in student affairs and sexual education. The goal is not just to have students’ representation, but to draw on their expertise.

‘Willing to Try’

Guiding Amherst through those issues is Gina M. Smith, a lawyer who consults with colleges on sexual misconduct. A former sex-crimes prosecutor, Ms. Smith started working with the college in July to review its policies and procedures. Lately she has traveled there more often, and lingered longer. “I have not seen a response in my history of doing this quite as robust,” she says.

Some students, though, remain skeptical. A couple of Fridays ago, several of them met with trustees. Others rallied, walking from the Robert Frost Library to the Lord Jeffery Inn, which brought out coffee and cookies. Protesters felt like “the administration was just trying to shut us up,” says Ms. Reyes, the newspaper editor, to “treat us like children.” (In fact, the snack was the inn’s idea.)

When the students in the meeting emerged, their classmates were frustrated to learn that the board hadn’t immediately agreed to a series of demands, such as redesigning the first-year seminar, a required course, to cover race, gender, and sexual respect.

But despite their impatience, students have noted Ms. Martin’s openness, and her sincerity. “The trust is not back completely,” Ms. Reyes says, “but I think people are willing to try.”

In doing so, they will keep the pressure on. Students are pushing for more information on an investigation by Ms. Smith of Ms. Epifano’s case, and on the recent unexplained resignation of Gretchen Krull, a long-serving health educator and sexual-respect counselor at Amherst.

In the meeting with trustees, students named four deans they say have “breached certain ethical boundaries or have simply not been able to support survivors appropriately.” And more than 250 students and recent graduates signed a letter calling the college’s mental-health services “inadequate.”

Amherst officials acknowledge a need for better integration in student affairs, particularly between the dean of students and the counseling and health centers. A permanent dean has not been in place for a couple of years, and an open search will involve students, Ms. Martin says. So will the revision of the college’s sexual-misconduct policy, including a move away from hearing boards composed of faculty and students, which can complicate privacy on a small campus.

Rising Expectations

Changing campus culture—the big aim at Amherst—is more often a catchphrase of controversies than an achievement. And the pursuit of that goal, says Lauren Bernstein, coordinator of a sexual-respect program at Emory University, can’t be led by administrators. “We need to be working in tandem,” she says, “with students at the center.”

The endurance of both sides will be essential. Amherst plans to maintain its checkboxes, and on Wednesday it held the first of four Webcasts with Ms. Martin. The new committee will report to her in January, and its chair, Margaret R. Hunt, a professor of history and chair of women’s and gender studies, understands the college’s work ahead.

“There are definitely some ways,” she says, “in which this is a revolution in rising expectations.”

Most students are attentive now, but a challenge to change over time is indifference, says Mark Kahan, a senior biology major who plays on the tennis team and serves as a peer advocate for sexual respect. “Some people maybe feel like this is hype,” he says. “They start to shut some of it out.”

But many students have started taking more seriously their responsibility to look out for one another, especially around alcohol, says Ms. Reyes. Touchy topics, such as how much is OK to drink and whom it’s a good idea to go home with, now come up more easily, she says.

Last week Amherst tried to start more difficult conversations by canceling classes for a day of dialogue. The event, dubbed “Speaking to Silence: Conversations on Community and Individual Responsibility,” was set for Friday, November 2. But then came Hurricane Sandy, and talk of postponing the program.

Organizers polled faculty and students, who said, in essence, No way. And so the college said it would stick to its plan.

When Honesty is Bravery

I saw this post on Freshly Pressed about a month ago.  I thought it was great and wanted to share it here.  Please click on  Queer Confessions to read more from this great blogger.

I remember the first time I came out to anybody. I was a socially awkward fifteen year old boy living in Texas. I had no athletic prowess to boast, and my musical tastes were closer to my father’s than to my peers. For three years, I kept my sexuality a secret from everybody because I was terrified of being gay. I didn’t know any other gay kid or adult, so I felt lonely and misunderstood. The only thing that scared me more than my solitude was the very real possibility that others could hurt me with their words or fists if they found out that I preferred boys over girls.

At fifteen years old, I decided that I had lived under fear long enough. There was a reality show on TV back in 2001 that documented the lives of average high school students, including one gay youth; his visible gayness gave me the courage to share my secret with one person. When I came out to a friend in my youth group, I was frightened that he would make my life a living hell – and because my friend was the most popular youth in our very large church, he had the means to do so. But he did not make my life miserable; he said, “Thank you for telling me. This doesn’t change who you are. You are still my friend.”

That was almost 12 years ago, and since the winter of 2001, I have mastered the art of coming out to friends, coworkers, and family. I have told my conservative, evangelical friends about my sexuality, and I have come out to my liberal friends and colleagues. I have come out in intimate conversations and in public speeches before large crowds. I have come out to straight neighbors and gay neighbors, rich friends and poor friends, Christian friends and doubting friends; by and large, I am a better man for being honest about myself. I feel better knowing that I can be my true, genuine self around my peers, because I do not have to hide something that is a profound part of my existence. I can simply be, and I can simply be gay.

My friends remind me that I am a brave man for coming out. A friend of mine regularly tells me, “You are the bravest, most courageous person I know;” this same friend has a story of being delivered by the grace of God from a life of crime (including murder), counterfeiting money, gang banging, and homelessness. Another friend said that my decision to tell my story to a crowd of evangelical Christians numbering over 200 was, perhaps, the bravest thing he ever saw a person do. These comments puzzle me; I am simply being honest. Aren’t Christians supposed to be honest? And yet, in this society, honesty is bravery; it takes courage to tell the truth.

Two realities – one societal, and the other personal –  remind me why it is so important for my LGBT brothers and sisters to come out and make their sexualities known to their network of friends and colleagues. Extremists from the far right will call us monsters, abominations, and sick perversions; their subordinates will tacitly (or not so tacitly) agree with them. The extremists are content to shove us into boxes made of fears based on ridiculous stereotypes and assumptions, and they cannot see LGBT people as such – people. When we come out, we force all our neighbors to see that we LGBT people are their neighbors, their sons and daughters, their mothers and fathers, their brothers and sisters, their aunts and uncles and cousins. We show the world that we are their teachers, doctors, accountants, scientists, politicians, theologians, preachers, dancers, musicians, and athletes. We show the world that LGBT people, like our straight brothers and sisters, can have hope, can believe in God, can walk in faith and not by sight, can embrace a peace that surpasses all understanding. We show our enemies and allies alike that we are human like them: we breathe, we eat, we laugh, we cry, we hope, we dream.

However, I am constantly reminded two days a week why I must be out and why making my sexuality visible is so vital to my well-being. I work in a church that is hostile to the LGBT community, where the parishioners will sometimes make overtly homophobic comments, where I would be fired if the leadership knew my sexuality. I do feel like I live two lives – my normal life at home where I can be out with my friends and school colleagues, and a closeted life (although the closet is transparent) where I am trapped in fear and isolation. Because I am not out to anybody in my congregation, I feel like I have no connection to anyone, for I cannot truly be myself with those people. It’s enough to make me want to leave the church (but not the one, holy, apostolic Church); for the sake of genuine relationships and my own health, I must be honest about myself to my neighbors and friends.

If you are an out and proud LGBT person, I celebrate you and your courage!

If you are a closeted or partially closeted LGBT person, I am with you. Stay strong, and may you one day find a safe place to leave that prison of fear.

If you are a straight ally, thank you of your support and love. We need you as friends and advocates.

Signs Of Cheating

It’s hard to be sure if someone’s cheating, but protect yourself: Be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit within the relationship.  But, at the same time, be careful not to let anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive the one you love away.  It is important to be confident in your relationship.  Insecurity can lead you to want to see things that aren’t there.  However, there are certain signs of cheating or lying that you can be more aware of in your relationship.

Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating: 

Changes in Your Sex Life-  At first you may notice your partner wants to have more sex than usual.  This can actually happen when someone is beginning to cheat because they are turned on by this new person they’ve met.  It is sad, but true, that they may be thinking of this person and feel more sexual.  In time, if they actually start having sex with this person on a continuous basis, you may find your sex life comes to a sudden halt.  Unless your partner has super human powers, they can only have so much sex.  So, if they’re getting it from another source, you might notice.  Whether or not they are actually cheating with another person or they have a porn addiction, a decrease in sex signals possible issues in the relationship.

Jumpy Cell Phone Habits-  In a perfect world, we’d be open about sharing our correspondence with our significant others.  Most of the time, we trust that we don’t have to worry about who is texting or calling them.  But, if you notice that they’re getting protective and/or nervous when they gets calls or texts, it may be cause for alarm.

Gushing or Talking About Someone Suddenly-  You know that exhilarating feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting?  You want to tell the world about him or her.   If your partner  begins talking a lot about a guy or girl they recently met, you may want to have your radar tuned in.  It may sound just friendly at first, but if this person keeps coming up in conversation, you may want to see if your partner is willing to let you meet this person they find so fascinating.  If they are reluctant, there may be more going on.

Disconnect-   Even though relationships ebb and flow naturally, if you’re sensing that your partner is pulling away from you, then there may be someone else.  Emotional disconnect should be investigated regardless of whether it’s caused by cheating.  There’s a problem if they aren’t laughing or seeming as passionate as usual.  It’s hard to spread love/passion between two people, so the person who used to have it will feel it slipping away if it’s being given to someone else.

Pulling a Houdini-  If your boyfriend or girlfriend is disappearing, traveling, or unavailable by phone to the point where you are starting to wonder, then they could be cheating.  Also, these times tend to take on a pattern because it’s tough to synch up schedules, especially in secret.

Friends Acting Strange-  Their friends will certainly remain loyal to them in most cases.  They will not let you know what’s going on, but they will definitely be racked with guilt, and their behavior may change slightly when they are around you while protecting their friend’s secret.

Caught in Lies About Other Things-  If you catch your partner in a lie, your trust will naturally be damaged.  Don’t hold a grudge — forgiveness is a good thing.  If they consistently break your trust, it’s can start a pattern of behavior that may lead to cheating.  Do yourself a favor: If they keep lying, whether these lies are big or small, seriously reconsider your reasons for wanting to remain in the relationship.

Done It Before-  Know your partner’s history.  It can be a red flag if they cheated before, but definitely consider the context.  If it was at the end of a bad relationship and they didn’t have that pattern with other boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s, you may not want to panic.  If someone is upfront with you that they’ve made mistakes in the past, maybe give them a chance — but make it a long probationary period before you let your guard down.  If they have cheated several times in one relationship, or cheated in several different relationships, you may want to open your eyes to the reality of the situation.  Especially if you find out from someone else, or they tell you after you catch them lying about something else.  Not being upfront, is a huge red flag.  There are people out there who simply can’t or won’t be faithful in relationships.

Trust Your Gut-  Don’t ignore your sixth sense.  People are gifted at sensing when something doesn’t feel right.  Whether or not there are red flags in your relationship, if something feels off, don’t ignore this feeling.  Usually that feeling is right, and something intangible may urge to look further into the situation.